Hardcore SSX
by DJCaiaphas
Summary: Eddie and Viggo host a TV show about the world of SSX On Tour. What secrets will they dig up? Who is this Sid character, and why does hang around Kaori? Who is the Unknown Rider? And what in the world is up with Psymon? MacxAllxSidxKao, SkyexEd
1. Episode 1: Pretty in Pink

**Hardcore SSX (a.k.a the Eddie and Viggo Show)**

There are precious few stories based in the world of SSX ON TOUR… which makes sense, since there isn't much character development in that game. I decided to import some characters from the outside: Eddie "The Kid" Wachowski and Viggo Rollig.

Since I hope to present this as a drama about two would be announcers, the format will be highly unconventional. The prelude will be structured under a narrative prose format, while TV show segments will be written like a play. Just to make things even more confusing, the TV segments include their own mini-segments. I thought it would be a good way to split up the TV segments from the off-camera segments. Send me feedback if this works. If it doesn't, I'll switch my style in the future.

Also, despite the title, this piece really is rated T, for some really gentle double entendres. Sorry, lemon fans.

**PRELUDE**

**DANGER: WACHOWSKI**

Eddie Wachowski slumped in an awkward position on his poylester zebra-striped couch. His left hand clutched a bottle of sangria, while his right hand was somehow stuck in a can of Cool Ranch Pringles. His lime green lava lamp eerily lit the wood-paneled room.

He was barely aware of the movie he was watching on the flat screen. What was this? It was something from the sixties, and it had some sort of spy guy in black duds and a black ski mask. He seemed to be climbing a castle wall, although it was brutally obvious that it was one of those effects where the character was walking upright and the camera was tilted sideways.

With the speakers were on at full volume, he didn't hear the knock on the door, nor did he hear Viggo Rollig letting himself in.

"'Danger: Diabolique,' huh?" Viggo said, watching the screen. "Cool." He turned his attention to Eddie. "Man, you look horrible."

"Cripes, man, what do you expect?" Eddie said. "They kept us off the tour roster to make room for a bunch of nobodies. NOBODIES!" The bottle slipped from Eddie's hand as he tried to get his hand out of the Pringles can. Viggo caught it before it hit the floor. "And what are you smiling about, Rollig? Your pink slip was in the mail when then picked up Sid as resident Eurotrash."

"Because I'm going to be on TV, Eddie," Viggo said, beaming. He handed Eddie an envelope. "Check it out, 'fro boy. Yours truly has just secured a contract with a major cable company to do a ten-minute show about the SSX circuit. I guess not everybody is blind to my incredible star appeal."

Eddie sat up straight. "No way! ESPN?"

"Um, a level lower."

"ESPN2? OLN?" Eddie began opening the envelope.

"Well, it's not really a sports network..."

"MTV2, then? Or..." Eddie's eyes widened as he unfolded the paper and spotted the letterhead. "...what the hell? Bravo Network? Don't they do artsy-fartsy stuff?"

"They're going to debut a new movie format called 'Sports Movies for the Soul,'" explained Viggo. "It's a bit like 'Dinner and a Movie' on TBS, but with a sports twist."

Eddie stifled a laugh. "'Sport Movies for the Soul,' huh?"

"It's like this: Bravo plays a sports themed movie on Friday night. At the hour mark, we go on the air live from an SSX venue. EA Sports thinks it's a great way to expose new audiences to boardercross. Bravo demanded, though, that the show focus is on human interest. You know, like the whole Mac-Kaori-Sid love triangle. Nate's relationship with his younger brother. Whether there's some sort of romance blooming between the North West Legend and the Far East Myth. Touchy feely stuff."

"Uh-huh."

"It… could have been worse. I actually got an offer from Lifetime Network. With the Winter Olympics coming up, they thought it would be excellent counter-programming to the figure-skating reality show they're playing on Oxygen Network."

Eddie guffawed. "Well, Viggo, old buddy, I can't think of a better guy to queer eye the SSX. Best of luck to ya." Suddenly, Eddie noticed a second, unsigned contract sheet. "Wait a minute. You named me as co-host?"

"No," Viggo said, "the producers did. I suggested Allegra, but she was one of the lucky ones selected to do the tour. Some marketing bigwig remembered you from the promo posters you did years ago and tossed off something about how afros equal ratings. Anyway, I told them that I'd see if I could dig you up. So what do you think?"

"Aw, hell," said Eddie, running his hand through his mighty orange afro. "I guess it beats moping around the apartment all day. And that's one heck of a fine payday," he added after checking over the pay and compensation. "I'm game, Rollig."

"Alright! We got three months before the new season starts. We'll need to recruit a crew, put together a budget, and... is this non-alcoholic sangria?" Viggo asked after noticing the bottle label. "Who the hell gets drunk on non-alcoholic sangria?"

"Bite me, goatboy. The fumes get me plenty drunk, OK? Anyway, what's the show called?"

"You are going to love this," Viggo said, stretching his arms dramatically. We're calling it.."

**HARDCORE SSX**

_(Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice" plays through the intro. The SSC logo explodes, and a montage of doodles, including Nigel pulling a mad 360, flash on the screen. After thirty seconds, a yeti walks across the screen. This wipes to a live feed of an announcer booth at the beginning of the Son of a Birch racetrack.)_

_(EDDIE and VIGGO are seated at a mahogany table adorned with SSX On Tour doodles. Both are wearing headsets.)_

_(EDDIE is wearing his favorite Hawaiian shirt, a yellow number adorned with pictures of handguns and faces of John Shaft. VIGGO is sporting his trademark style: zipped-down green fur lined coat with a brown brimmed fedora. As the camera zooms in, VIGGO is flipping through what seems to be a comic book.)_

EDDIE: Hootie hoo, everybody! Welcome to a new season of SSX! I am your host with the most, Eddie "The Kid" Wachowski, and joining me in the booth is the Doctor of Style, Viggo Rollig.

VIGGO: _(looking up from magazine)_ 'sup.

EDDIE: So, Viggo, what's that you got there?

VIGGO: It's some limited edition trade paperback of the anime-style drawings Adam Warren did of us a few years back.

EDDIE: Are you serious? Sweeeeet! _(Eddie grabs the magazine.)_ I'm not in here! Where's the love?

VIGGO: It's probably for the better, Eddie. I'm not one hundred percent happy with how Mr. Warren drew me.

EDDIE: _(laughs) _Holy schnike! Nice manboobs, Rollig.

VIGGO: Tonight, an expose one one of the most asked questions about this year's tour. A mystery so chilling that it makes hairdressers cower in fear. Tonight, we bring you...

EDDIE: I mean, was it cold outside when you posed for this picture or...

VIGGO: losing it Aaaaahh! Shut up shut up shut up! _(composes himself)_ Tonight, we bring you the first episode of "Hardcore SSX." This year, we've upped the ante by introducing two sticks. That's right, peeps, SSX now has extreme skiing!

EDDIE: Pfff. Whatever. When are they introducing extreme luge? I would totally own in that. Oh, and don't say "peeps." Only losers say "peeps."

VIGGO: Um, right. Let's take a look at this year's inaugural event: an amateur class Back-to-Back race at Son of a Birch. Our first winner is … _reads name on paper_ … um, T-Bird? Is that his real name?

_(VIGGO looks to EDDIE for help, but EDDIE just shrugs his shoulders)_

VIGGO: Well, um, let's briefly join our winner at the post-race interview.

_(Camera switches to medal stand. T-BIRD does a celebratory dance, then raises his hands with his pinky and middle fingers extended.)_

T-BIRD: I rule! Whooooo!

_(Camera switches back to VIGGO and EDDIE.)_

EDDIE: You sure do, loser. C'mon, man, you can come up with something better than "I rule." I mean, what do you rule… the Total Dork Kingdom?

VIGGO: Can't agree with you more, Wachowski. Back in the day, I had a victory dance that was frikkin' unbelievable. Here I'll show you….

EDDIE: _(panicking)_ No, wait, don't…

VIGGO: No, really! Let's see how our audience let's see if the viewers can stand the mojo of the Viggo Shuffle!

_(Viggo jumps on the table, and begins to prance and gallop like a horse.)_

EDDIE: Aggghh! I told you never to do that again!

_(EDDIE tackles VIGGO, and the screen goes blank. Soon, it shows a picture of Mac with a thumbs up sign and the message "HARDCORE SSX IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.")_

_(Bravo takes a commercial break. We see ads for the new season of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," its spin-off "Lesbian Picks for the Straight Chicks," the Toyota Tundra, and the new straight-to-DVD "Body Motions 4: Attorney at Love" starring Elise Riggs.)_

_(We return to "Hardcore SSX." VIGGO is sporting a shiner, and EDDIE's sunglasses are cracked and crooked.)_

_(A cute redhead passes by the booth and waves to VIGGO.)_

REDHEAD: See you in the hot tub tonight, Viggie.

EDDIE: _(after REDHEAD leaves.)_ God, how the hell do you do that?

VIGGO: Do what?

EDDIE: Never mind_. (turns attention back to the camera)_ Welcome back to "Hardcore SSX," the creamy vanilla filling to the world of extreme winter sports! Now, pardner, I do believe you had a very special feature on the aspect that our viewers really care about: the veterans.

VIGGO: That's right, Wachowski. Tonight, I submit to you a story that is near and dear to our hearts. Now, Eddie, even you have to admit that, when it comes to hair, we are the epitome in style.

EDDIE: That's true.

VIGGO: Tonight, be prepared to witness a tale of hair gone wrong. We call it….

**PRETTY IN PINK: THE RISE AND FALL OF PSYMON STARK**

_(The screen flashes the story title with an inset of Psymon with his pink mowhawk style. An instrumental arrangement of "Pink" by Aerosmith plays in the background. The rest of the show progresses with photo stills and video clips as Viggo narrates.)_

**He once had it all together. The attitude: a theatrical daredevil with a high tolerance for pain. The twisted background: a life spent in a padded room at an insane asylum. The girl: fan favorite bad girl Zoe Payne. Psymon rocked up the charts and into our hearts. **

_(clip from Tricky)_

KAORI: Oh, nooooo!

PSYMON: Ahhh ha ha ha! I KNOW you didn't mean that!

_(end clip)_

**But most importantly, he had ... the hair. A tangled mess of gel-hardened spikes that buoyed his reputation as the harbinger of chaos. But now the spiked 'do has gone the way of the wooly mammoth. What is Psymon sporting nowadays? This ... a fluffy pink mohawk.**

KAORI: I use to be terrify of Psymon. Now I want give him big hug. Such a teddy bear.

SKYE: You know, growing up in Australia and flipping through the boardercross mags, I thought Psymon was absolutely bonzer. I finally make it to the big show, and the boy is sporting something Boy George would be ashamed to sport. Crikey, mate! What happened to you? The 80's called and they want their mohawk back.

GRIFF: I"m not sure, but I think the mohawk helps him stay warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Like a Dimetrodon!

**Word on the street is that Psymon altered his style to soften his image and attract mainstream sponsors. But why would a man, whose very character screamed of wild independence and non-conformity, even consider corporate sponsorship? Is Psymon a sell out? Attempts to interview Mr. Stark failed.**

shaky film clip shows Viggo running toward Psymon, who is flanked on all sides by bodyguards dressed in ski patrol fatigues.

VIGGO: Mr. Stark! A word with you Mr. Stark! Hey, Psymon!

_(two bodyguards shove Viggo into the snow)_

VIGGO: Owwww… cut. CUT!

**However, we were fortunate enough to meet with a close, personal friend of Mr. Stark, Zoe Payne. The two shared an on-again, off-again romance since Psymon Stark first hit the slopes on the Tricky tour. Here relationship has been strained recently, and "SSX on Your TV" confirms that, yes, it's because of the hair. However, Ms. Payne offered surprising insight into a turning point in Psymon Stark's life.**

ZOE: Some time before the Big Mountain tour, Psymon was starting to become extremely erratic, even for me. A few of us were starting to get worried that he was going to snap and go on a mass murder rampage. Now, I know everyone thinks I'm a crazy chick, but even I draw the line at genocide. So I got a hold of a pharmacist friend of mine who happened to have the inside scoop on an experimental drug. Twenty times more potent than Prozac and Zoloft combined.

_(The camera slowly pans down from ZOE's face toward her chest area.)_

ZOE: The drug was far more potent than I predicted. The first thing I noticed was that Psymon's voice changed dramatically. I thought that would be all, but…. Well, one night I caught him reading "Little Women" by Louisa May Alcott. And crying! That was the last time I broke up with him. I can't help but feel more than a little bit responsible for Psymon's drastic change into uncoolness, but I feel it was for the better….

LUTHER (offscreen): Oh, yeah, mamma. Luther likes. Luther likes.

ZOE: What the ---? She notices where camera is pointed and covers her chest. Alright, buddy, YOU just bought yourself a world of hurt!

_(Fist flies toward camera. LUTHER grunts. Screen goes to static.)_

END SEGMENT.

_(EDDIE and VIGGO stare blankly at the camera. After a couple of seconds pass, VIGGO talks.)_

VIGGO: So… WHY did we put that guy on the payroll again?

EDDIE: Hey, Luther's not so bad once you get to know him. Sure, he smells like pork-and-beans and he's got the worst case of gas, but he does have an amateur movie studio set up in his trailer. From what I've seen, he's got top notch post-production gear.

VIGGO: Do I dare ask what kind of movies he makes in there?

LUTHER (offscreen): You wimps don't want to know.

EDDIE: _(shivers)_ Well, folks, that's all we have for you tonight. Next week --- Hey, who's that over there? Why, none other than "SSX On Tour" mascot, Nigel! How's it going, man?

_(A man in a large black-and-white NIGEL costume (the rock star character from the SSX ON TOUR intro) approaches the announcer's table.)_

NIGEL: Zees is, how you say, quelle humiliating.

VIGGO: Is that you, JP? Oh, man... I am so sorry_. (stifling a laugh.)_ Not!

EDDIE: Oh, burrrrrnnnn! Hi five, Viggo! _(They do so.) _Hey, "Nigel," do a dance for us.

VIGGO: Yeah, dance for us, Frenchie!

_(JP (as NIGEL) shuffles his feet unenthusiastically.)_

JP (as NIGEL): _Mes amis, je vous détruirai un tout certain jour._

EDDIE: Did you hear that, folks? He says, "Best of luck to all the contestants on this year's tour!" Next week, we sit down with a genuine black diamond rock star, Mac Fraser, to find out he could let a cutie like Kaori get away.

VIGGO: You got that right.

EDDIE: Now we return you to "Bull Durham," only on Bravo's "Sports Movies for the Soul"! Until next time, ride on, young ronin. Ride on.


	2. Episode 2: Ohhh, Viggo!

**Hardcore SSX (a.k.a the Eddie and Viggo Show)**

I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to actually read this stuff. I was a bit worried that it was too unstructured due to its switch from a flat-out narrative to a play format. I'm glad no one wrote in to say it was too confusing.

Onwards to Chapter Two. I had the story scrawled out a couple of weeks ago, but I wasn't sure how to end it. I wanted to work in a Mac-Kaori-Sid love triangle, but I wanted to leave it open-ended as a lead-in to Chapter Three. Yes, this story is episodic, but there will also be foundations to a continuing narrative thread.

On an unrelated tangent: did anyone notice that there "Ski Free" fanfics on this website? I mean… How are there fourteen stories devoted to a game that came free with Windows for Workgroups 3.11? I'm going to guess that most of them are humorous in nature. Still… "Ski Free"…. That gives me an idea.

**CHAPTER TWO: "Ohhh, Viggo!"**

The slopes had been peaceful all day. The late morning stillness had been broken only by a flock of snow geese picking at frozen delicacies near a partially thawed lake. The mood changed suddenly, however, as two dark man-sized blurs broke through the woods at breakneck speeds. The flock scattered, leaving clouds of feathers in their wake.

One of the blurs was Eddie Wachowski, a street luger who, for today, has traded in his pavement luge for the original snow variety. Racing beside him was his old rival and current luge apprentice, Mac Frazer.

"Hey!" Eddie called out to the nervous Mac. "For a newbie, you're not doing too bad!"

"Man, what the hell are out talking about?" Mac replied, uncomfortably shifting in his supine position. The luge veered wildly to the left. "Oh, crap! What did I do?"

"That's how you steer, genius!" Eddie said, watching bemusedly as Mac corrected his trajectory.

"You never said anything about that, Einstein," Mac said. "How fast are we going, anyway?"

"Oh, upwards of fifty miles per hour," Eddie said. "We could be going ninety if we weren't wearing these damn ghetto coats!"

The two lugers broke off the untamed slopes to a well-maintained bobsled track. The track followed a steep incline which offered a panoramic view of the mountain range, the wilderness, and the city at the base. For Mac, however, the main concern wasn't the view but the sudden onset of gravity.

"Christ!" Mac yelled, gripping the sides of the sled as it drastically built up speed.

"Lighten up, my young padawan!" Eddie yelled gleefully. "Have you not been on far steeper slopes than this one, have you not?"

"I didn't have to worry about slamming crotch-first into a frikkin' tree!" Mac snapped back.

"Touche, grasshopper," Eddie said. "Anyway, about the show tonight… are you sure you're cool to do it? I wouldn't ask you, but the network insisted…."

"I'm cool," Mac said, his voice suddenly turning grim. "I told you, Eddie, there's nothing there. Kaori and I … we're just friends. It's cool."

"You'd better be sure about that, Mac-a-roon," Eddie said. "I remember, back in my younger days, when I had a relationship with one of my riding partners. Tall, blonde, Canadian, leggy…. I'm a legs man, Mac, you know that. I tried to convince myself that we were just friends. But I realize now that it was all me. I was afraid of commitment, and I didn't want to be tied down. But every time I looked at her in the eyes, I knew she wanted me … in the Biblical way. And now, we're complete strangers, losing out on a romance that would have ranked a 7 on the Top Ten Greatest Romances of all time."

"What the hell?" Mac turned his head with an incredulous look on his face. "Are you talking about Elise? She only liked you because you fixed her computer once! ONCE! For Christ's sake, she was dating Matthew McConaughey during the Tricky Tour! When we get into town, you'd better buy a shovel, because that story is a big load of…"

"Crap!" Eddie yelled, panicked. "Eyes forward, Chief! Inner tube at twelve o'clock!"

Through some deft maneuvering, the two barely missed a collision with a heavily layered kid at the center of a black rubber tube. The force of Eddie's passing luge, however, cause the tube to spin uncontrollably. Mac's luge, following close behind, caused the inner tube to spin even faster, and the kid and his coats soon found himself off-track and air-bound. Fortunately, his flight ended several seconds later when he smacked, face first, into a nearby billboard.

The bill board read "Air Allegra: Buy this Shoe, Sucker," with the freckled snow vixen featured prominently with a mischievous "come hither" grin.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

"…and you top it off with a perfect whipped cream topping to make a lovely 'snow quiche,'" said Martha Stewart as she turned to her special guest. "Wouldn't you say so, Mr. Stark?"

"I don't know, Martha," Psymon said, putting his hand on Martha's shoulder. "I can think of plenty of better uses for whipped cream, if you know what I mean."

Suddenly, Martha pressed a knife at Psymon's throat. "Don't _(bleep)_ with me, _(bleep)_," she sneered. "When you've been to prison, you learn a few things, and one of them is respect. Are you going to be a good boy, or do I have to rip your _(bleep)_ing throat out?"

"I'll be a good boy," Psymon said weakly.

Viggo Rollig thoughtfully dipped his yellowtail sushi in his soy sauce-wasabi mixture. "Damn," he said, watching "Martha Stewart Living" on the television. "I never thought I'd say this, but Martha Stewart is hardcore."

Viggo sat at the bar of the Karma Sushi, a popular establishment in the city. The sushi bar's main attraction was that it was all-you-can-eat, which made it the only place in town where boarders could get full on sushi for a decent price. Customers enjoyed the bar's somber Asian decorations --- a confluence of Japanese, Chinese, and Taiwanese décor. Additionally, the tops of the walls were festooned with large flat screen TVs, each of them playing a different Japanese anime.

But, most of all, everyone loved the sushi chef.

Eddie staggered through the door. His mighty afro was caked in snow.

"Hey, partner," Viggo said. "What happened to you?"

"A bit of a minor wipe-out making the last turn into the city," Eddie said, pulling up a seat next to Viggo. "No big deal."

"So, the regular, Mr. Wachowski?" the blonde-haired sushi chef asked in his deep, melodic voice.

"You know what I like, Brodi," Eddie said, clicking his thumb and forefinger like a pistol. "Deep fried crab and shrimp roll with extra cream cheese!"

"So," said Viggo. "How did your meeting with Mac go?"

A Eddie's face turned sour. "He said… he said he'd do it."

"Sweet!" Viggo said, slapping Eddie on the back. "That's what I like to hear! High five!" Ten seconds later, Viggo put his hand down. "Fine," he said, returning to his sushi. "Leave me hanging."

"Call it a hunch, Rollig," Eddie said. "Something tells me that this ain't right. We're not just talking about the sport anymore. We're talking about messing with someone's private life here."

"What can you expect? We're on the Bravo Network. You know, the network that once did a reality show about an L.A. burlesque. Besides, is Mac in love with Kaori?"

"He told me there was nothing there, but…"

"Then we're good. We do the show, we make Bravo happy, then we move onto other things, like the expose on the North West Legend."

Brodi turned around to face the duo. A soft, placid smile spread across his face like light dancing on the sparkling waves. "I must caution you," he intoned, "the matters of the heart are like safety deposit boxes. The outside is flat, cold, and unremarkable. But consider what lies within. Unless the box is unlocked, you never know what treasure lies in the deep recesses."

He place a plate of raw fish in front of Viggo. "An order of albacore, Mr. Rollig." Viggo nodded.

"The Wachowski Roll for you, Eddie…"

"Thanks, man," Eddie said. "It's nice to have something named after me."

"All Sashimi Platter for me, boy," said Luther Dwayne-Grady.

Both Viggo and Eddie jumped up with a start.

"How…" Eddie stammered, "how does a fat ass redneck like you sneak up on us like that?"

"Skeel, baby," Luther said, picking his teeth. "Pure skeel."

**HARDCORE SSX: EPISODE 2**

_(The Hardcore SSX logo explodes and fragments into several pieces. "Hit That" by the Offspring plays in the background. The doodle animation of NIGEL gives way to live footage of the NORTH WEST LEGEND, a Sasquatch, pulling a few tricks on the slope, including the impressive Air Capo. The intro ends with a star wipe and we join our two hosts at the starting point of On the Rocks.)_

EDDIE: … telling me that the Legend is real? I always thought it was some guy in a monkey suit.

VIGGO: It's true, check this out. _(pulls a pendant that had been underneath his coat) _He gave me this Native American talisman when I visited his home once.

EDDIE: His home.

VIGGO: In Vancouver.

EDDIE: You're pulling my leg.

VIGGO: Nope. I'm proud to say he's happily married to the Far East Myth, and he has two wonderful kids. They're my godchildren. I call them my little Ewoks.

EDDIE: Well, that's … freaky.

VIGGO: Shouldn't you be telling us about the medal wrap-up?

EDDIE: Oh, right. (Eddie begins sifting through his papers.) Today was a banner day for the Trick-Tastic event. Several rookies entered with the hopes of snatching up the gold medal, but only one exceptionally skilled athlete could pull off the big air bonuses and the monster tricks to walk away with the bling bling. After a grueling duel that could have swung either way, the champion … was … someone named Tania.

_(Camera switches to medal stand. TANIA, wearing too much makeup and dressed in pink and white, does a celebratory dance, then raises his hands with his pinky and middle fingers extended.)_

TANIA: I rule! Whooooo!

_(VIGGO shakes his head, while EDDIE's face reddens with rage.)_

EDDIE: More like, "I suck! Whooooo!" Seriously people, come up with better catch phrases! If I don't hear something different than "I rule"…

VIGGO: Preach it.

EDDIE: … then you leave me and the V-Man no choice but to open up a school with the sole purpose of teaching you how to put together a sentence that has more than two words! And then we will fail you, because you suck!

VIGGO: Testify!

EDDIE: And afterwards, you will go home crying to your mommas, and all she will do is laugh mockingly, because you just failed a class about how to put together a catchphrase! _(Eddie catches his breath, eventually calming down.)_

VIGGO: In other news, Elise Riggs has signed on for the starring role of Amanda Free in the upcoming summer blockbuster adaptation of the popular video game, "Ski Free." The movie will be directed by Uwe Boll and is scheduled to be in theaters the Summer of 2007. No word yet on who will play the Yeti.

EDDIE: Ima guess it's Duane "The Rock" Johnson. And if I were you, Rocky, I'd pick up the phoned to shop for agents, because you can do much better than "Doom."

VIGGO: Elsewhere, Marisol Diez Delgado debuted her new fashion line, "Sacrilicious" at the remote, yet very scenic, Between the Sheets Lodge.

EDDIE: Heh. "Between the Sheets."

VIGGO: _(rolling his eyes) _Yes, Eddie, let's mock the name of a course that the tour promoters obviously intended as a double entendre. However, things took a turn for the worse thanks to our old friend, Nigel.

EDDIE: Huh? You mean JP?

_(Footage rolls from the lodge at Between the Sheets. MARISOL is standing at an open-air ledge in front of a small press corps and some interested onlookers. Behind her is a clear view of the mountain range. To her left is a rack of yellow-and-green coats festooned with pink furs and glitter. To her right is JP in a NIGEL costume. JP is moving around clumsily in the bulky outfit. He can be heard muttering a few curses in French. To the audience though, he looks like he's dancing.)_

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, that crazy NIGEL!

MARISOL: … and I woke up one morning and said to myself: why do snowboarders dress so drab? And all this camo everyone is wearing nowadays. It is not only so militaristic; it's also so drab. That is why I introduce to you "Sacrilicious," a line of fun, exciting outerwear with a hint of spice and a hint of Venezuela…

JP: _(muffled)_ Mon Dieu, I cannot breathe in here! _(JP swings the NIGEL costume around. One of his flailing arms smacks MARISOL in the ass. The audience laughs.)_

MARISOL: _(turning on JP)_ Oh, no you DIDN'T!

JP: _(nervously, but still flailing)_ You misunderstand, mademoiselle, it was a mistake! This suit, it's… _(one of his arms slap MARISOL in the chest.)_

MARISOL: Usted es pervertido!

_(MARISOL slaps JP, who falls over the railing and starts tumbling down the mountain slope)_

JP: _(his voice receding as he falls down the mountain)_ Meeerrrrdddddddeeee!

_(We cut back to the announcer table with EDDIE and VIGGO.)_

EDDIE: Heh. Not that I blame good ol' JP. I've wanted to slap that fat ghetto booty ever since we raced on the Tricky tour. Let me tell you, Viggo, when the sun hits her fine ass at just the right angle….

VIGGO: _(waving his hands)_ Don't… Stop right there, Eddie. Remember, we're on Bravo Network. Not Spike TV.

EDDIE: Oh, right. Still, I wonder what happened to JP.

VIGGO: Well, viewers lost track of him soon after Marisol pushed him from the top of the mountain. If you have any clues as to his whereabouts, please contact… OH DEAR LORD!

_(A GIANT SNOWBALL flies in from the left side of the screen.)_

GIANT SNOWBALL: Merrrrrrdddddeeeeeee!

_(The GIANT SNOWBALL crashes into the announcer's booth, scattering snow, pieces of table, equipment, and announcers everywhere. A large chunk of snow flies toward the camera and knocks it out.)_

_(We see the familiar picture of Mac with a thumbs up sign and the message "HARDCORE SSX IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.")_

_(Commercials this time include an Air Allegra commercial that shows a montage of the snow vixen doing balletic arial tricks to the tune of "Connection" by Elastica, ads for the all new "CSI: Colorado Springs," and a cheap commercial for Rob and Bob's Board Shop --- with a small cameo by an embarrassed Moby. Likely he was walking downstairs from his loft and accidentally found himself in the ad.)_

_(As we return on the show, where JP is being carted away on a stretcher. EDDIE is frantically trying to maintain his afro with a fro pick. When he sees the camera lingering on him, he waves it away. The camera pans to the right, where two female skiers --- one BLONDE and one BRUNETTE --- are fawning over VIGGO.)_

BLONDE: Oh, poor baby.

BRUNETTE: Come by my hotel room later and we can make you feel all better.

VIGGO: Please, ladies… we have a show to do.

_(The two skiers give an "Awwwww," but leave anyway. But not before the BRUNETTE one throws her hotel keys to VIGGO.)_

EDDIE: _(muttering) _Godammit, Rollig…. How do you do that!

VIGGO: I have no idea what you're talking about. But now let's move on to a totally new segment, one that I would like to call … "Ohhh, Viggo!"

**OHHH, VIGGO!**

_("I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd plays. EDDIE winces at the questionable music choice.)_

_(VIGGO gets up and starts walking stage right. The camera pans to a new set with two heart-shaped seats. The set is surrounded by three green walls, which gives it the effect of being a separate room. VIGGO enters the set "slow dancing" to the music. He takes off his coat in a mock striptease, and the sits down.)_

VIGGO: _(his voice now lower and more husky)_ Welcome to the first edition of "Ohhh, Viggo," where we dish on the love lives of our favorite skiers and snowboarders. Tonight we have a very special guest. He has been on the SSX tour since day one. He has won countless medals on individual tracks and a two-time circuit champ. His signature move, "Walkin' the Dog," has been the most imitated move among SSX aspirants. He is the overwhelming favorite to win this year's SSX championship. He is brutally fast, surprisingly agile, and can spin a pretty mean track when he DJs. Ladies and gentlemen, Mackenzie Frazer.

_(MAC enters from the right. He shakes hands with VIGGO, then sits in the chair opposite.)_

MAC: Man, this place is a mess.

VIGGO: Yeah, that happens sometimes. So, Mackenzie… can I call you Mackenzie?

MAC: _(eyes narrowing) _No. Just Mac.

VIGGO: Oh. Right. So, Mac, I'm going to take you back a bit. Do you remember back in the day when we were doing press releases for the Out of Bounds Tour and we had to answer a Rider QnA.

MAC: I gotta say not so much, Viggo. My DJ career was in full swing, and it's hard to remember when you get only four hours of sleeo.

VIGGO: Well, maybe this will jog your memory. One of the questions was "Things You Have Broken." Most of us, including myself, thought of injuries and the like. You, on the other hand, replied, "Hearts baby, hearts."

MAC: _(chuckles) _Yeah.

VIGGO: Would you say you're a ladies man, Mac?

MAC: Not really. I mean, I thought that was your job.

VIGGO:_ (befuddled)_ Huh?

MAC: I take it easy, you know. I mean, life will always be filled with what I consider my top four: mountains, powder, women, and buds. In that order. I've dated several women on all the tours. It's cool.

VIGGO: Have you ever had a steady girlfriend?

MAC: Ah, no. No strings, man. I'm just … to busy. You know, snowboarding, DJ'ing, interviews, press conferences. There's no time.

VIGGO: I'm sure you've heard plenty of the tabloids and Internet rumors. People thought, and still think, that you and Kaori Nishidake had a thing going.

MAC: (chuckling nervously) Well, that's not true.

VIGGO: Putting all that aside… how did you meet Kaori.

MAC: It's not hard, really. She was the only one the tour who was my age. I think she felt lonely. It's bad enough that the tour started in Alaska, the emptiest place on Earth. But she couldn't speak English, so it was hard for her to make any friends. The only other guy on the tour who could talk Japanese was Hiro, and that guy was a major jackwad. He had this chip on his shoulder against women or something. I saw Kaori hanging around him because she had no choice. I don't speak Japanese, so I had no idea what they said to each other, but I could tell he really didn't want her around.

So I decided to be nice to her, just to get her away fro Hiro. It took me a while, and I had to draw some pictures on napkins to get the point across, but I somehow managed to tell her that I wanted her to come with me to one of my DJ gigs. I could tell it wasn't her style --- Kaori's always been more a fan of that horrible J-pop stuff --- but I could tell that she was having a ball.

VIGGO: So your relationship was…

MAC: She was more like my little sister.

VIGGO: _(cocking an eyebrow)_ She's a year older than you, Mac.

MAC: She don't act it. Anyway, Kaori's always been a good friend. Look at all the other boarders. They're all big egos and all style but no substance, prancing around like they're all that. Kaori's never been that way. She's always been honest, clean, and true to herself. When everyone's busy being an "individual," she's the one that stands out. Don't get me wrong, though. That's what makes me like her as a friend. I've got too much respect for her to have it be any deeper than that.

VIGGO: Well… what do you think about Sid?

MAC: What about him?

VIGGO: Your "friend" has been hanging around her a lot recently. In fact, people have seen her with Sid around town this tour at bars, raves --- a lot of places Kaori has never gone before. There's been talk that Kaori's developing a bit of an edge, and Sid's responsible.

MAC: Look, I'm not her dad, alright. She picks whatever friends she wants. Maybe I've been too busy lately to talk with Kaori about this guy, but it ain't my place to butt in like that.

SID: _(coming in from off screen and toting his skis) _And don't forget it, Mac.

VIGGO: Wha---? Wait, what the hell?

_(VIGGO looks towards EDDIE, who is just at much of a loss.)_

SID: Hello, ladies. Just passing by; I'm up in the next slopestyle heat. No time to play Dave Sweaterman like you losers.

VIGGO: Get off the show, Sid.

SID: Keep your skirt on for a second, nerd. _ (turns to MAC) _I just wanted to say that I'm glad to hear you say that, Frazer. We both want what's best for Kaori, don't we? _(MAC glares.) _Look, man, if Kaori were with you, she'd just be this girl that's in the way. Me, I'm taking her to the limits. Look at her now. She can speak English. She's not chicken about pushing people around on the slopes anymore. She's got a voice-actress role on that Japanese anime "Kaori X." I mean, don't get me wrong, Mac…. When she was your riding partner, that was like high school. But when she's riding with me, she's getting her graduate degree.

MAC: Yeah, I used to be happy for her … until I found out her riding partner was a grade A jackwad.

SID: Ooooh, are we trading playground taunts right now? In that case … you're a butt. Anyway, stay away from Kaori. She's mine.

MAC: Kaori's not some kind of property, you ass clown. And all that stuff you mentioned? She did all that herself. She's a grown woman. You don't own her.

SID: Whatever. I've got a race to go to. Sayonara. _(SID puts on his oversized shades, then departs)_

EDDIE: _(walking on the set) _C'mon man. Three on one. We can take him, easy.

MAC: Nah. This is my war, Eddie. Chill.

VIGGO: Well, this is awkward. I guess I've got nothing more to say than … see you all again next week for the next edition of Hardcore SSX.

EDDIE: Ride on, young ronin.


	3. Episode 3: The Battle of the DJs

**Hardcore SSX (a.k.a the Eddie and Viggo Show)**

Apologies for the delay. Other than the general business of things that had to be due at then end of the school year, there were a few family crises that happened recently. As a result, the story that came out is a crazy amalgam of several ideas that I had been floating around for three months time.

I originally wasn't going to write Allegra into this one. Yet a request from someone in the Reviews got me to thinking about her as a character. I see her to be the kind of person that even Zoe thinks is insane. After all, the character profile in On Tour mentions that sponsors think she's too reckless, and that at some point she had broken Psymon's heart. Hopefully, I reflected that.

Also, for the astute observers, I lifted lines in this story from two internet cartoons and an obscure MTV show that aired in the late '90s. You won't get any prizes for finding them, but you will feel good about yourself.

**CHAPTER THREE: The Battle of the DJs**

Viggo stared at his MComm uncomfortably. The next message was from a Bravo Network executive and labeled "URGENT." He scanned the message distastefully. He slammed his MComm shut as he heard footsteps. A familiar figure, sporting a festive afro and a gaudy Hawaiian shirt, joined Viggo under the awning.

"God, this weather is excellent," Eddie said, shivering and clasping his arms. "And just in case all this chattering isn't making it very apparent, that was sarcastic. Totally, totally sarcastic."

At the foot of Big Moutain, Metro City was slightly warmer then spots at higher altitudes. Unfortunately, it was only warm enough to turn snowflakes into cold, bone-chilling rain. However, despite the blustery weather, large crowds of people roamed the streets on one of the few off days when competitors took a break and where citywide events took first priority.

"We should be setting up for the show tonight," Eddie grumbled.

"Got that covered, man. Luther's got a crew setting up out booth at the Club Tricky. I just needed to pick something up before the show."

Eddie suspiciously eyed the building's sign. "Sharper Image? What the hell? Do you need a new iPod cradle or what?"

"Something like that," Viggo said, entering the store. The store was empty except for a disinterested cashier fingering through a catalogue.

"Look at this!" Eddie said, making himself comfortable in a massage recliner. He pressed a button on the armrest control, and the chair started rumbling. "Check it out… I'm totally getting a backrub!"

"Looks totally cool," Viggo said. He watched Eddie from the corner of his eye while he absently played with a new iPod.

"Let's see what setting 2 does…. Look at this. It's massaging my calves." Eddie laid back and closed his eyes, lost in an unspeakable bliss. "Now let's check out setting 11 … What the hell?"

Suddenly, the chair's leg pillows clamped onto Eddie's calves. Two steel cables clamped onto his wrists, while the headrest securely squeezed Eddie's head.

"Uh, I could use some help here," Eddie said. "I think this chair's defective."

The cashier sidled next to Viggo. "It is as you said, sir," the cashier said. "No one can resist the lure of the massaging chair."

"You did this, Rollig!" Eddie sneered. He tried to turn his head, but to no avail.

"There were going to cancel our show, Eddie," Viggo said emotionlessly.

The doors to the back room swung open. Six figures, bathed in ghostly light, emerged from the doorway and approached their hapless victim. Gradually, Eddie understood his fate and began to fidget violently.

"He is resisting," the cashier said. "This may complicate the procedure. Shall we apply the anesthetic?"

Viggo nodded. The headrest emitted a puff of gas into Eddie's face, and he began to feel his consciousness slipping away.

"Traitor!" Eddie cried. His eyes began to close, and his voice began to slur. "Heretic! … Benedict … ASS-face…"

The doors to the Sharper Image locked shut.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

Sid took a drag from a thin, black cigarette. "Utterly brilliant," he said, admiring the artwork in front of him.

"I really do not see it," Kaori said, squinting her eyes.

"Obviously," Sid said dismissively. "Common, untrained eyes cannot even begin to see that what the artist is trying to make a comment on the simple and fleeting nature of beauty. Notice how he uses simple shapes and every day objects to stress the mundane, everyday aspect."

"It is a string nailed to a canvas."

"You _would_ see that," Sid sneered. Sensing Kaori's discomfort, he added, "But don't worry, my sweet Kaori. I shall be you very one muse to guide you to higher levels of understanding. With me by your side, the whole world of art shall be opened to you."

"Do you mind if I step outside?" Kaori said. "The rotting cow's head is making me a little sick."

"_A Thousand Years_ by Damien Hirst," Sid corrected. "Well, come back soon. There's a whole wing with Mapplethorpe photos down the hall."

Kaori could still smell the clove on her clothes when she stepped outside the gallery. She wanted to tell him to kick the habit, but Sid could be ineffably dominating. Her plaid skirt fluttered as a freeing gust blew by.

She thought she saw a stranger across the street, but was alarmed when she realized that it was her reflection in a store mirror. Had she really changed so much? And it wasn't just the punk ganguro fashion. She must have aged by twenty years….

"Kaori!" someone called out to her. "Just the girl I was looking for!" Kaori turned to see Viggo Rollig running toward her.

"Oh! Viggo!" She waved to him as he approached. "It is nice to see you! I have not seen you on the slopes so much this tour."

"Well," Viggo said, "since I got kicked off the tour this year, snowboarding's lost it magic for me. I've been thinking of getting back on skis, but the TV show's taking up all my time."

"Oh, right, you have a show," Kaori said. "Ah, where is Eddie?"

"What am I, his hetero-life partner?" Viggo said defensively.

"Chill out," said Kaori. "I did not mean..."

"No, no," Viggo apologized. "It's just… I did something I'm not too proud of." Viggo told Kaori what had happened.

"Well," Kaori said, not sure what to think, "Eddie was … slightly unappealing to look at. Maybe it is all for the better."

"Anyway, that's not why I wanted to see you. Bravo's sponsoring a limited access 'Battle of the DJs' show downtown tonight." Viggo fished a ticket out of his coat pocket. "All current SSX competitors get a free ticket. I shouldn't have to remind you that a mutual friend of ours by the name of MacKenzie Fraser is one of the favorites to win."

"Is that so?" said Sid, snatching the ticket before a shocked Kaori could receive it. Sid looked at the ticket with disgust. "Sorry to disappoint, but Kaori and I have plans tonight."

"Don't sweat," Viggo said, taking a second ticket from his pocket. "I've got free admission for both of you. Retail value of $500."

Sid snatched the second ticket, then ripped both tickets to shreds and scattered the pieces in the snow.

"Not cool, man," Viggo said. "Not cool."

"Come on, Kaori," Sid huffed, storming back into the gallery.

Kaori shrugged her shoulders helplessly. "He's usually not like this," she explained before she followed Sid.

"Yeah," said Viggo. "I'll bet."

--------------

**HARDCORE SSX**

_(The show opens with "Danger! High Voltage" by the Electric Six. A red tinted video package showcases signature moves, such as Allegra Sauvagess pulling off the Capo Air and Psymon Stark showing off the Guillotine.)_

_(The scene shatters, and we are now inside Club Tricky. A flythrough shot shows a densely packed club where skiiers and snowboarders have shed their heavy winter coats for T-shirts and halter tops. Large digital flatscreens show a CGI animated unicorn rocking out with a double-necked Gibson Flying V. Psychadelic patterns slowly churn behind him, occasionally flashing the words "Unicarnage.")_

_(At the front of the club is a low stage with a DJ Booth illuminated by multicolored strobe lights. To the left is the announce booth, where we join VIGGO ROLLIG and the all-new, extremely made-over EDDIE WACHOWSKI.)_

VIGGO: Welcome back to Bravo's "Sports Movies for the Soul" and SSX HARDCORE. I am your host, Viggo "Scanner" Rollig... _(turns to Eddie)_

EDDIE: _(mumbling)_ You are dead, Rollig.

VIGGO: ... and this is my usually talkative broadcast partner, Eddie "The Kid" Wachowski. We're taking a break from the tour on one of the few rest days, and instead we join the annual "Battle of the DJs" here at the Club Tricky, one of the most exclusive clubs in Metro City. The battle started earlier this afternoon with sixteen contestants. Now, we're down to two finalists. The first is a man who goes by the stage identity of DJ GROMMET. Followers of the SSX tour know him by another name. Let's give it up for GRIFF SIMMONS!

_(GRIFF SIMMONS steps up to the DJ booth and hooks up his Apple laptop. He is a foot taller than when he had been racing in the third SSX tour and is now sporting a thin goatee and a pair of Buddy Holly glasses. Otherwise, he seems unchanged.)_

GRIFF: All right! Are we ready to get radically epic?

_(He begins with Hindu-inspired trance beat, which segues into the "Thong Song" by Sisqo.)_

VIGGO: Ugh. I am almost positive the "Thong Song" is the worst song ever. Am I right Eddie?

EDDIE: _(angrily)_ You killed my 'fro, you son of a….

VIGGO: Chill, man. It was the only way to save our show. Our ratings were in the tank, and our producers pressured me to take steps to boost them.

EDDIE: By doing a "guest appearance" on Project: Runway!

VIGGO: Hey, it wasn't easy for me, either.

EDDIE: Then why didn't YOU do the extreme makeover instead?

VIGGO: _(embarrassed)_ Well, it turns out my looks are actually popular with the 18 to 25 crowd…. And, um, there were about forty threads on the Bravo message boards about hating your 'fro….

EDDIE: Nice.

VIGGO: Besides, you look good in cornrows. And the wardrobe they equipped you with is worth at least $2,000.

EDDIE: Did I say anything bad about the wardrobe? The wardrobe sweet! Especially the silk shirt. It lets my armpits breathe.

LUTHER: _(behind camera)_ Heh. You sure look purty, Eddie.

EDDIE: Shut up, fatboy. You do not mess with a man's hair, Rollig. It's Biblical. Remember what happened with Samson when they messed with his hair?

VIGGO: Look, they didn't use scissors or clippers. I insisted on that, at least. If you hate it so much, just untie the braid and you can have that ugly mushroom on your head again.

SKYE: _(passing announcer's booth)_ Oy, Viggo, who's the cute bloke?

VIGGO: Don't you remember him? Eddie Wachowski?

EDDIE: You will certainly pay the ultimate price for this injustice, Rollig.

_(SKYE begins writing something on a scrap of paper.)_

EDDIE: The black fatal fist of darkness shall pound a bloody hole through the skull and scream, "Hellish rock death!" _(SKYE slips the paper into EDDIE's shirt pocket.) _Uh, what's this?

SKYE: _(flirtatiously)_ Exactly what you think it is, luv. _(She signs "call me" by extending her thumb and pinky, and walk off into the crowd of revellers.)_

_(EDDIE unfolds the paper.)_

VIGGO: Dude, is that her phone number?

EDDIE: _(nodding)_ I just might have to reverse my opinion on this haircut.

VIGGO: You going to call her?

EDDIE: Right… on… baby.

ALLEGRA: _(peeking between the two hosts)_ Christ, that is, like, so goddamn precious. 'Sup, cuties.

_(The two hosts are almost bowled over by ALLEGRA's sudden appearance.)_

VIGGO: Allegra! What are you doing here?

_(ALLEGRA pulls up a seat. She slams a huge, half-empty tequila bottle onto the table.)_

ALLEGRA: Shakin' it up at this wicked phat party, Viggo, my man. Or I WOULD be if DJ Griff-n-Dork would play something that wasn't mondo-trash-o. He's only playing that song because he heard on "Guitar Hero." And I don't think he's even DJ'ing. That laptop's, like, on automatic. He's probably just surfing for porno. YEAH, I KNOW YOU HEARD ME! YOU TOTALLY SUCK, GRIFF!

_(GRIFF, who has been playing a remix of "Higher Ground" by Red Hot Chili Peppers, tries to ignore ALLEGRA.)_

EDDIE: _(to VIGGO)_ You know, we were sorta asking for this when we put our booth so close to the audience.

ALLEGRA: Hey, are you saying I'm DRUNK? Because I'm not. I totally keep it under control, dude.

VIGGO: Not that one time at Mt. Hood you weren't….

ALLEGRA: _(pulls a switchblade on VIGGO_) I thought we signed a blood oath to never ever mention Mt. Hood again. On penalty of death!

VIGGO: Alright, alright! Put the knife down. I got enough troubles with Eddie trying to kill me. And when did you start carrying a knife anyway?

ALLEGRA: Didn't you guys hear? Contestants have been disappearing from the slopes. No one knows who's behind the disappearances. I've heard, though, that some skiers have spotted a mysterious figure lurking around the slopes. They say that the moment you lay eyes on him, you disappear within seven days. They call him … the "Unknown Rider."

EDDIE: Pffff. Yeah, right. Sounds like you've watched "The Ring" one too many times.

ALLEGRA: Funny you should mention that, Bo Derek. You see, one time, when Viggo and I were riding partners, we were at Mt. Hood, watching "The Ring", and we got totally wasted on a bad combination of Jack Daniels and Flaming Hot Cheetos.

VIGGO: Hey, wait-a-minute….

ALLEGRA: Next thing you know, he was so wasted that he got into my luggage and started trying my clothes on….

VIGGO: Oh, God. Commercial. COMMERCIAL!

_(Bravo takes a commercial break. We see ads for "Project Runway: SSX Edition," cool and refreshing 7-Up, and Brodi reciting a soothing haiku promoting the healing powers of Karma Sushi. And don't forget to catch NIGEL from SSX On Tour take on EL TORRE, the Dark Lord of Black Darkness from Amped 360, in a no-holds-barred jello wrestling match tonight on Leno!)_

ALLEGRA: … and in the morning, they found Viggo, naked, except for that stupid cowboy hat, with his tongue frozen to the lamppost.

EDDIE: Ha ha ha! You dumbass!

VIGGO: _(embarrassed)_ And the worst part is that I can't remember any of it. Except for the standing-naked-in-the-snow part. But getting back the "The Battle of the DJs," it looks like DJ Grommet has left the stage. The judges are tallying up their scores. Ww are now at the final contestant….

ALLEGRA: Hey, Viggo.

VIGGO: Hey, ya.

ALLEGRA: Can I introduce him?

VIGGO: Is there any stopping you?

ALLEGRA: Prolly not.

VIGGO:_ (smirking) _Take it away, then.

ALLEGRA: _(leaping on announce table with mic in hand) _LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BOYS AND GIRLS! THE ONE DJ THAT YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL NIGHT! THE SEXIEST DJ IN THE WHOLE WORLD! HAILING FROM THE U. S. OF A. AND READY TO DROP THE MAD FUNKY FLAVA, MACKENZIE FFFRRRRAAASSSEERR!

MAC: _(approaching the booth) _Alright, y'all! Let's KICK IT!

_(MAC, using a traditional set-up with two vinyl records, cues up a hard-thumping techno beat, followed by synthesizer samples from an anime, and "Do You Wanna Touch Me (Oh Yeah)" by Joan Jett & the Blackhearts.)_

VIGGO: While that's going on, now's a good time to recap the point standings for this year's SSX Tour.

EDDIE: Alright, starting from number five: Kaori Mishidake. The early favorite took an unfortunate tumble in the points standing after a fifth place finish at the Double Race on Wild Tree Fun.

VIGGO: Number four: Allegra Sauvagess. Congratulations.

ALLEGRA: Damn straight! I am the black diamond rockstar!

VIGGO: My former riding partner scores an impressive victory at Between the Sheets, launching her from twelfth place.

EDDIE: Number three: Mac Frazer! My man!

ALLEGRA: Whooooo!

Mac took second place at the trick contest at Hot Dam, wowing crowds with a backside 540 Indy to Late Trickitello.

VIGGO: Number two goes to Tyson Logan, who easily takes first at On the Rocks, beating the second place finisher, Zoe Payne, by an astounding five minutes. Tyson restores honor back to the Logan family after his brother, Nate Logan --- the former first place holder --- was disqualified from the entire tour earlier this week due to tests that revealed abnormally high testosterone levels.

EDDIE: Which means we have a new number one! A controversial win at Ruthless Ridge cemented his lead and his status as the man to beat. If the tour ended today, you current champion would be: Sid.

ALLEGRA: That rat bastard! He was totally in second place. This race is fixed! FIXED! Wait a minute, I love this song.

_(MAC had switched to playing a remix of "Seven Nation Army" by the White Stripes.)_

ALLEGRA_: (singing and nodding her head to the beat)_ … And the message coming from my eyes says leave it alone! Dun, dun dun dun dun duuuuun duuuunnnn….

(ALLEGRA accidentally bangs her head on the table and knocks herself out)

EDDIE: Oh, crap. Think she's going to be OK?

VIGGO: I don't see why not. She _was_ wearing a helmet. Anyway, are we cool? You know, for earlier?

EDDIE: Yeah, we're cool. _(The two touch knuckles in a sign of respect.) _And now, I'm outta here.

VIGGO: What? We got at least two more minutes to go.

EDDIE: Skye's signaling for me to join her on the dance floor. You don't say no to Skye Simms. Later, dude. _(Leaves.)_

VIGGO: Well, I guess it's just you and me, Luther. Luther?

_(No one is behind the camera. LUTHER has joined the crowd, raising the roof, and shirtless.)_

LUTHER: Oh, yeah! The Luther Express is comin' through, baby!

_(ALLEGRA staggers back up to the table.)_

ALLEGRA: Ouch. Thanks for the assist there, Scanner. Am I drunk, or am I looking at a half-naked Luther?

VIGGO: The last one, unfortunately.

ALLEGRA: I'm sober then. Where's that tequila? _(VIGGO hands the bottle to her. ALLEGRA takes a big swig.) _ Ahhh, there it is. I think I'm in love, Viggo.

VIGGO: _(Incredulously)_ With Luther!

ALLEGRA: No, dumbass! I'm outta here_. (Leaves.)_

VIGGO: _(facing camera)_ Well. Um. I guess that's our show for today. Tune in next week for more Hardcore Sex. I mean, SSX. We now return you to,…. Uh. Hmmm.

VIGGO: …

VIGGO: …

VIGGO: Later.

_(VIGGO runs to the camera and switches it off.)_

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

Mac retired to the room at the back of Club Tricky and took off his shirt. He'd been dumped on by what must have been a keg of beer after his win at the Battle of the DJs. Now his clothes were soaked an reeking of booze.

"Well, hello there, Sir Hotbod Handsomeface," Allegra said. She was leaning on the doorway with the mostly empty bottle of tequila dangling from her fingers. "That was one hell of a remix, kiddo."

"Hey, Allegra," Mac said. "I didn't think it was my best set, but enough to beat Griff. I don't know; it's like he was nervous up there. I've got to hand it to him, though; he's got some skill."

"You know," Allegra said, swaying unsteadily toward Mac, "if you need help with some of the tracks, I play some pretty mean riffs on my Flying V. We should hook up some time for some private sessions."

"That sounds..."

"Private sexy sessions," Allegra said huskily, pressing her body against Mac's. "I can be your Meg White."

Mac looked at her dubiously. "You're drunk," he said.

"Brill'nt observation, Einstein."

"That's, ah, one hell of breath," Mac said, smelling the alcohol.

"You say the sweetest things," Allegra said. Before Mac could do anything, Allegra had clasped the back of his head with her hand and pressed her lips against his.

It took Mac a few seconds to realize she had fallen asleep.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw her. A vision of Abercrombie fashion with a short plaid schoolgirl skirt and a punk haircut. Yet possessing such an rosy, cheerful face that possessed the lollipop innocence of Hello Kitty.

Kaori Nishidake.

"You are looking comfortable," she said, somewhat amused.

"I, uh, didn't expected to see you here," Mac said. "Viggo told me that, er, you had other plans for tonight."

Kaori fished a ticket stub from her panda purse. The torn stub fragments were held together by a few pieces of scotch tape. "You know I never miss your shows," she said. "It's still not much my taste. But I did like the part when you included the theme song music from the 'Kaori X' anime."

"Oh," Mac said, surprised. "That."

"I thought it was ... pretty awesome," Kaori said, smiling. She smoothed out her skirt. "Well, I think I should be headed back to my hotel room. Big race tomorrow."

"Yeah," Mac said. "I think we're on the same track. Higher Learning."

"Good luck, then," Kaori said mischievously. "You are going to need it. Especially against me." She giggled, then turned to leave.

"Wait," Mac said. Kaori turned. "Could you ... help me carry Allegra to a couch or something? I, uh, think she passed out."

Kaori smirked, then nodded. "Sure, Mac."


	4. Episode 4: Calls to Zoe

Thanks for the comments on this story. It's nice to know there are people reading this thing.

This segment is a bit long, but I wanted it to lead in to the next few episodes which will center around the King of the Mountain --- the final race of the SSX Tour.

Gordon and Jennifer, characters who appear at the beginning of this chapter, are in the game. Somewhat. I listed their names off the 200-person ranking from the "SSX On Tour" game. Sames goes for other "nobodies" who were featured in previous episodes. (By the way, after looking at some screen shoots on IGN, it turns out their names are also posted on the leader board. Eerie.)

**CHAPTER FOUR: Calls to Zoe (and the Final Eight)**

"This is garbage," Gordon said, throwing his iPod into the snow.

"Hey," said Jennifer. "You might want to be careful with that. It cost me $300."

The two skiers had set up camp amidst a grove at the center of pine trees on the slopes of Big Mountain. A pot of pork and beans boiled atop a campfire.

Jennifer picked up the iPod and wiped off the snow. "What in the world were you watching, anyway?"

"Friggin' 'Hardcore SSX' podcast," Gordon said. "Look at. I make it all the way to seventh place in the points competition, and not one mention! Honest to God, how am I supposed to attract any sponsors if no one knows I exist?"

"How do you think I feel?" Jennifer retorted. "I modeled for promotional posters for this year's tour."

"Really? Which one?"

"You know which one. I was the girl in the pink ski jacket with the white quilted vest."

"Oh, yeah. I remember that poster."

"You think by breaking the Top Twenty with that kind of pre-race exposure. But, no. I'm still a faceless nobody. Crap, Skye Simms hasn't even made the Top Forty and she still gets endorsements from Old Spice Red Zone. It's insulting."

"It's an insult you won't have to live with for very long," someone said in a low, menacing voice.

The two campers looked up to see a man in the shadows of the frosted pine trees. He was clad from head-to-foot in a dark blue jumpsuit. His face was completely hidden behind a pair of goggles and a bulky breathing mask. Gordon and Jennifer froze.

"Pleased to meet you," the man said. "Hope you guessed my name."

"What?" Gordon said.

"Rolling Stones?" the man said. "'Sympathy for the Devil'? Bah. No matter. You may call me … 'The Unknown Rider.'"

"What… what do you want?" Jennifer asked. "We … we have a big race tomorrow."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that," the Unknown Rider said, slowly approaching the campers. "When I'm finished with you two, the SSX Tour will be the last thing on your mind."

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

"… competitors Gordon and Jennifer have turned up missing. The Ski Patrol was alerted to the scene when cross-country skiers reported a potential wildfire in a grove near Son of A Birch. The officers only found an abandoned site and a burnt pot of pork and beans. So far, twenty competitors total have mysteriously disappeared from the tour. If you have any information, please contact the Ski Patrol immediately.

"We now return you to Radio Big. This next song is by request from Eddie Wachowski. This is 'Superfly' by Curtis Mayfield."

Viggo shook his head. "Did you hear that, Eddie?"

"Yeah," said Eddie. He didn't look up, engrossed with a game he was playing on his Gameboy Advanced. "I specifically requested 'Serpentine Fire' by Earth, Wind, and Fire. Atomika needs to clean out his earwax."

"I was talking about the disappearances," Viggo said. "Remember our last show? Allegra mentioned something about these disappearances being the work of 'The Unknown Rider.'"

"Allegra was also drunk off her skunk on tequila," Eddie said. "Most likely, a few competitors that just couldn't cut it sulked off the mountain without telling anyone. Happens all the time in reputable contests like the Tour de France and, um, the Winter X Games."

"You're just making that up," Viggo said, crunching into a tasty ring-shaped snack.

"Hey," Griff called out, "are you two slackers going to help me out with, or are you just going to sit there… eating Funyuns?"

Eddie and Viggo were in the Metro City aircraft maintenance hangar and were sitting on the floor near the pneumatic lifts. Griff was at work on his V-22 Osprey tilt-rotor craft. The hangar was also occupied by two other people: Luther-Dwayne Grady was unloading cameras and equipment from his pickup, while JP Arsenault was busy untangling cables.

The V-22 was a replica of the half-plane, half-helicopter crafts that transported extreme athletes to mountaintop pinnacles in the previous tour. This tilt-rotor was painted a glossy black to match the name that Griff had christened it: the S.S. Black Diamond. The S.S. Black Diamond was a "minor" prize. Griff had won it for breaking the record at the Peak 2 "Schizophrenia" Super Pipe at the previous tour.

For the last two years, Griff had spent all his free time outside of high school to get certified as a pilot just so he could fly the S.S. Black Diamond. Unfortunately, that meant abandoning his second love: snowboarding. When the SSX Tour arrived, Griff declined the invite, knowing he was in no shape to compete.

"C'mon, Griff," Viggo said. "Do either of us look like we know anything about heavy machinery? We'd just get in the way. We're better off … um … supervising. Isn't that right, Eddie?" Viggo said, nudging his partner.

"Yeah, yeah," Eddie said, his eyes riveted to the Gameboy.

"Whatever, wise guys," Griff said, wiping hydraulic fluid off his hand. "Hook me up with a drink at least."

Viggo tossed Griff a bottle of Mountain Dew: Code Red.

Griff took one glup and emptied half the bottle. "Thanks. By the way, everything's on schedule. The hydraulics check out. Now I just gotta hook up your A/V equipment, set up your announce table, and install the on-board auxiliary electrical generators."

"Homina what?" said Viggo.

Griff sighed contentedly. "I don't want to sound too enthusiastic, guys, but reporting the entire King of the Mountain Race from an announce table in the sky? It's going to be awesome."

"I got total faith in your mad skills of aircraftery, Griff," Viggo said. "That's why we recommended you."

"Do you mind not calling me Griff?" Griff said. He climbed up a ladder to the top of the fuselage with a coil of cable over his shoulder. "They call me 'DJ Grommet' now."

"Who calls you 'DJ Grommet'?"

"Well, no one," Griff said with an embarrassed grin. "But I figure I gotta start somewhere to build my street cred."

Viggo turned to Eddie. "I noticed you went back to the afro. Skye's not going to like that."

"I'm breaking up with her," Eddie said, mashing buttons.

"What?" Viggo said. "What's wrong with you, man? Skye's hot."

"So you two aren't going to see each other any more?"

"She's into political activism," Eddie said, "and, well, let's just say I don't jive with her views. And she's a vegan. I've gotta have roast beef if I'm eating out, man. Dammit! How the hell are you supposed to past this living sun thing? Crap, it's only World 2!"

"Let me try," Viggo said, taking the Gameboy away from Viggo. "Something tells me that isn't the whole story, Eddie."

"She's hiding something," Eddie said. "I can't put my finger on it. It's like she's leading a dual life. Maybe all chicks are like that, huh, Viggo?"

A pain expression crossed Viggo's face. "You're right, Eddie," he said. "This swirling sun guy is IMPOSSIBLE."

"Mon Dieu!"

A loud, metallic bang drew the boys' attention. JP was sprawled on the ground with a red bruise on his forehead. Luther had been testing out a camera crane, which was mounted on a series of telescoping rods. However, the crane had swung too wildly and too quickly, and the camera had smacked JP right in the face.

"My bad," said Luther, picking his nose.

"_Yankee stupide_," JP mumbled rubbing his forehead. "You will pay for this injustice. You will all pay!"

"Quit yer whining, JP," said Griff, who had just opened the compartment to the V-22's main generators. "Get over to the lockers. I think there's a first aid kit there. It should have one of those instant ice packs."

"So, DJ Grommet," Eddie said, "you planning on staying on Big Mountain after this tour is over?"

"Maybe," he said, hooking up an acetylene torch. "Probably. See, Nate and I had this great plan. After this tour wrapped up, we were going to launch our own shuttle business. Big Mountain Air! Air transportation from Vancouver to Big Mountain and back, with me piloting the Black Diamond. Nate was going to win this race to get some money to finance the startup costs."

"Shame he got kicked off the tour," said Eddie.

"I'm still holding out hope that he's clean," Griff said. He began welding the cables to the leads on the generator. "Still, it ain't a total loss. I got some money winning second place in the DJ contest. And I think I'm getting some residual flying around two slackers working for the Bravo Network."

"I gotta hand it to you, squirt," Eddie said, "that's one hell of a plan."

"Yeah," said Griff, nodding. "Then, maybe when I'm rich, Allegra will start noticing me. And then we'll get married and have a couple of kids."

Eddie snorted. He wasn't sure which amused him most: Griff actually having a chance with Allegra, or the image of Allegra having kids.

"Do yourself a favor, Griff, and quit mooning over Allegra," Viggo said, his eyes glued to the Gameboy. "I mean, aside from the fact that you're 16, she's 20, and any involvement could be construed as statutory rape, there's also the sneaking suspicion I get that she doesn't like you."

"I'll be old enough in two years," Griff said. "And the age difference didn't matter for Anakin Skywalker and Queen Amidala."

"That was a movie!" Viggo said. "And even then, it was creepy! And don't you remember when she totally dissed you at the 'Battle of the DJs'?"

"At least she noticed me," Griff said with a bitter smile. "In fact, she's probably thinking about me right now."

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

_Samurai_, Allegra thought, admiring the 18th century Japanese print. _Pretty cool._

Allegra was at the Tiger Room of the Karma Sushi, a more informal room than the main dining area. She relaxed on psychedelic bean bags and sitting on the floor while engaging in one of her favorite past times: Scrabble. Brodi set down a large tray of nigiri sushi next to the two players.

"Anything else for you ladies?" he asked politely.

"How about some of that sake, Brodester," Allegra asked.

"Futsu-shu or tokutei meishoshu?"

"I don't know," Allegra said, throwing up her arms. "The alcoholic kind."

Brodi turned to the other player. "And what about you, Kaori?"

"Some green tea, please," Kaori said. She put down several tiles as Brodi left for the kitchen. "There! 'DEFEET'! Triple word score!"

"I'm not a spelling bee champ by a long shot," Allegra said, "but I think that it's spelled with an 'EA,' not an 'EE.'"

"Oh," Kaori said, picking the tiles back up. "My English still needs work. I am sorry."

"Don't apologize. I'm impressed that it only took you two years to become so fluent in English. How did you do it?"

Kaori placed a D-E-T in front of the letters RIOT. "Sid paid for them," she said. "He hired a very good tutor who was with us when we did a ski tour of Europe."

"He must be crazy about you," Allegra said, hunched over her pieces.

"I think he is," Kaori said. "I owe him a lot. But sometimes…." She trailed off.

"Hmmm?" Allegra said, putting down some pieces.

"Never mind." Kaori looked at the word Allegra had put down. "I am pretty sure 'VANTASTIC' is not a word."

"No way!" Allegra said, shocked. "Are you serious?"

Brodi returned and put a bottle of saki and a glass next to Allegra.

"Hey, Brodi," Allegra asked. "'VANTASTIC' is a word, right?"

"What are words but a symbol of thoughts and emotions?" Brodi said with a faint smile.

"Pfff. Way to be metaphysical, dude." Allegra removed the offending word from the board. "Hey, Kaori, you're best buds with Mac, right?"

Kaori nodded. "We've known each other for a long time," she said.

"Just friends?" pressed Allegra.

Kaori blushed. "Yes, just friends," she said.

Allegra poured herself a glass of sake. "So," she said, "you wouldn't mind if I seduced him?"

A shattering noise startling Allegra. She looked up to see a cup shattered, spilling green tea across the Scrabble board.

Kaori stammered apologetically.

"No, no, my fault," Brodi said. "It … slipped out of my hands. Clumsy me, hm?"

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

**HARDCORE SSX**

_(Beginning montage starts with a countdown from 8 to 1. The "1" blinks, then segues to "I Wanna Rock" by Twisted Sister. Scenes go back and forth between various tour highlights. All of the finalists are given a clip.)_

_(The scene transitions with a wall of ice being shattered. We join our hosts, EDDIE and VIGGO, at the announce booth, which is located at the finish line of "Mind the Gap." The race seems to have just finished not too long ago. SID is some distance behind the booth, signing autographs for adoring fans.)_

EDDIE: What's up, SSX Fans! Welcome to the penultimate episode of Hardcore SSX! This is Eddie "The Kid" Wachowski in the hizzy!

VIGGO: And I'm Viggo Roll-…. When did you start saying "hizzy"?

EDDIE: Stop flexing on me, DAWG. We're here at Mind the Gap, the final race before the brutal, massive Final Peak Race Finale: The King of the Mountain. An hour ago, Sid just increased his lead in the overall point competition.

VIGGO: No surprise there. Sid has been on a roll.

EDDIE: The big news, though, is that we now can officially say that we now know which of the two-hundred competitors in this year's SSX have advanced to the Final Eight!

VIGGO: No surprises here, except for one competitor.

EDDIE: We'll get to that later. Right now, let's take a look at the finalists. After the race, I got the opportunity to talk with each of the competitors, and here's what they had to say about their chances in The King of the Mountain.

**THE FINAL EIGHT**

EDDIE: Elise Riggs from Canada squeezes into the last spot on Final Eight after the mysterious disappearance of Gordon, who had been ranked at number 7. Luther, roll that footage!

_(Each film clip shows Eddie holding a microphone to each of the finalists.)_

_ELISE (in clip): How do I ride? With style, finesse, and at least double the IQ over this pack of jokers._

EDDIE: Rounding out the rest of the finalists: #7, "Sketchy" Psymon Stark from Canada.

_PSYMON (in clip) It's all about being psychic, baby! Wait… uh, I meant psychotic. Psychotic. And I'm, uh,… scary._

_EDDIE (in clip) You sure are, Psymon._

EDDIE: #6, Skye "Bean" Simms from Australia.

VIGGO: "Bean"?

_SKYE (in clip): Instinct, atheleticism, gravity. You know, the basics. Not to different from surfing the Great Barrier, really. So what are you doing after the show, loverboy? I was thinking about grabbing a spot of joe…_

VIGGO: Wait a minute. Didn't you tell me that you were going to break up with….

EDDIE: _(panicking)_ Tut tut tut tut tut tut tut! Ixnay on the Eak-up-bray. Um, at #5, we have "Big Al" Allegra Sauvagess from the USA.

_ALLEGRA (in clip): Elise, Psymon, Sid…. You're all going down! Because if you haven't figured it out yet, you just don't mess with the Sauvagess Express! Whooooo!_

EDDIE: Sitting pretty at #4, we have the original "Tokyo Pop Girl," Kaori "Tricky" Nishidake from Japan.

_KAORI (in clip): I just want everyone to try their best. (flashes "V" sign with her fingers)_

EDDIE: At #3, the man who put the "X" in SSX, Mac "Smack" Fraser from the USA.

_MAC (in clip): I've sorta been dragging my feet all tour long, but that's cool. When it comes to The King of the Mountain, you can put down money that Mac Fraser will be serving up a double dose of spine-chillin' greatness._

EDDIE: A sleeper surprise in the tour and stepping out of his brother's shadow, at #2 we have "The Captain" Tyson Logan from the USA.

_TYSON (in clip): The Cap'n's gonna make it happen. This will be the most delicious war on terror ever!_

EDDIE: And finally, sitting, in the #1 slot: Sid "The Smipster" from Japan.

_SID (in clip): Sad. I had better competition racing in Skiga Kogen. If it wasn't for Kaori, I wouldn't even be here._

VIGGO: That guy seriously needs to get a better nickname. And a last name, for that matter.

EDDIE: However, the big story coming out of this race was the person who didn't make it to the Final Eight. She is a huge fan favorite, one of the veterans who defined the sport from the beginning of SSX and was a known by both her numerous victories and numerous body piercings … the "Royal' Payne" herself … Zoe Payne.

VIGGO: Really disappointing. I was looking forward to seeing her in The King of the Mountain. Coming up next, after our commercial break, is our expose on the Nate Logan steroid allegations: "Human Growth Logan: The Trials of Nate…."

EDDIE: No we're not.

VIGGO: What do you mean, "No we're not?" We filmed the whole thing two days ago with voice-over narration by Tom Cruise….

EDDIE: Because I just scored a live interview with Zoe Payne --- like, fifteen minutes ago.

VIGGO: Seriously?

EDDIE: Yeah. She's coming over here right now.

VIGGO: Oh. Guess we won't need this. _(throws video tape of "Human Growth Logan" over his shoulder)_ OK, guys, looks like we're in for a treat as the one and only Zoe Payne will be joining us … after the commercial break. So do not go anywhere!

EDDIE: Seriously, what are you gonna do. Watch Pee Wee Herman on Adult Swim. Sheesh. What's up with that?

_(Commercial for "Queens of the Mountain," a DVD for the women of SSX; Old Spice Red Zone, featuring Skye Simms and the tagline "Blokes smell nice when they're rolling the spice"; and a rental car commercial playing "Blitzkrieg Bop" by the Ramones.)_

_(ZOE PAYNE takes a seat next to EDDIE. She is still wearing the gear she wore after completing the race from ten minutes ago. The pale goggle-shaped area around her eyes contrast with the rest of her sunburned face.)_

ZOE: How ya doin', fellas.

EDDIE: Zoe! My main girl! Always a pleasure to have you here. Too bad about the loss, though.

ZOE: Eh, you win some, you lose some. Hey, did you see that spot where I tried to launch onto that choppers' skid? Ow! They're going to play that one on "America's Funniest Home Videos" tonight.

EDDIE: Hell yeah they are. Any plans for the off season?

ZOE: Me and Moby were thinking about traveling. We don't see much of the world anymore now that SSX's consolidated on Big Mountain. We were thinking about seeing his folks in England. He keeps telling me that they're a couple of "uptight Tories"---his words --- but I'll believe it when I see it. Hey, hey, keep that camera eye level, Grady!

LUTHER: _(jerking camera back to ZOE's face) _I didn't do nothin'.

VIGGO: Hey, Eddie, I got this… idea I've been tossing around for a while …

EDDIE: Yeah.

VIGGO: … but never got a chance to do….

EDDIE: I'm thinkin' it.

VIGGO: So you think you should … you know?

EDDIE: Oh, man, go for it.

EDDIE & VIGGO: Call-in show.

_(VIGGO slams a polycom on the announce table)_

**CALLS TO ZOE**

ZOE: _(amused)_ Shoot. I'm game.

_(Numbers flash on the screen: 1-800-CALL-SSX. Immediately, the Polycom lights up)_

VIGGO: Caller one, you're on line with the one and only Zoe Payne! Caller go ahead.

_CALLER #1: (high falsetto) Hi, my name is Mo ... reen. Moreen. Johnson. I want to know if you … Do you still have the hots for a certain Psymon Stark? I know he was all psycho, but he has mellowed out a bit. Do you, ah, have something going on the side?_

ZOE: _(laughing) (mock Southern Belle accent) _Oh no, Moreen. Don't you know that my baby, Mr. Jones, is all the man I need? His dreadlocks are to die for. _(voice returning to normal) _Nice try, Moby.

MOBY: Bloody hell! _(hangs up)_

EDDIE: Alright, next caller.

_CALLER #2: Zo-eeeee! I've loved ya since the first tour! Hey, what's your favorite Ramones song?_

ZOE: Without a doubt, "Pinhead." That's, like, my personal theme song. After that, it's a tie between "Sheena is a Punk Rocker" and "The KKK Took My Baby Away." I used to like "Blitzkrieg Bop" until they overplayed it on that damn rental car commercial.

EDDIE: OK, next call. And be careful with that tenth number. You might accidentally get Madame Seeiah's Celebrity Love Chat.

_CALLER #3: Zoe, what's your favorite tattoo?_

ZOE: Well, I've got a pretty awesome tat of a half-snake, half-woman creature fighting a dragon. It's on my left butt cheek.

_(EDDIE, VIGGO, and LUTHER stare.)_

ZOE: Get a life, guys. The caboose ain't coming out to play.

EDDIE: Ahahahaha, we weren't…. Next caller.

_ELISE: (slyly) Hello, Payne._

ZOE: _(coldly) _Elise.

_ELISE: It must be easting away at you that you came so close to making the finals if it wasn't for a certain Canadian Bombshell._

ZOE: It must be thrilling for you to receive a "bye" on account of a mysterious disappearance, eh? Suspiciously convenient.

_ELISE: Don't be such a bad sport, Payne. Trust me, I was looking so forward to humiliating you in the final. Oh, well, I guess there's next year, hmmm?_

ZOE: _(sighing)_ Might as well tell you all. Even you, _Elise_. I'm thinking... this might be my last year on the tour.

EDDIE: What? No!

ZOE: Thing is, I don't know how much more physical punishment I can take. There's a price for five years of competing hardcore. I've shattered half the bones in my body. I've broken my nose at least three times. I thought if I switched to two sticks, I could take it easy. But I couldn't. It's in the blood. So maybe this is the end of the line for Zoe Payne. _(menacingly)_ Hope this made you day, Elise.

_ELISE: Actually, dear, it did. Ciao._

VIGGO: Before we take any other calls…. So, if you're finished with skiing and snowboarding, what's next in store for Zoe Payne?

ZOE: No idea. I thought maybe I'd move in with Moby and help out at Rob and Bob's Board Shop. I'm playing around with the idea of getting into politics.

EDDIE: Come on….

ZOE: Hey, you know me. I've been all about socio-economical changes. Maybe I'll be mayor of Big Mountain some day. Then I could impose ridiculous tariffs on blonde Canadian multi-millionaire bimbo whores.

EDDIE: Well, we've got time for one more call. Caller go ahead.

_ALLEGRA: Yo, Zoe! Allegra here. Sorry to hear you might be leaving. You were the reason I got into snowboarding in the first place._

ZOE: Hey, thanks, Al.

_ALLEGRA: Anyway, I heard Elise dissing out on the show. Guess what? I ran into her in the locker rooms… and I punched her out! In the eye!_

ZOE: Nice.

_ALLEGRA: Hey, you know I got your back, sister. Good luck on your run for mayor! This message has been endorsed by Allegra Sauvagess!_

_ELISE: You Psycho-Bitch!_

_(slapping sound)_

_ALLEGRA: AHHHHHHH!_

_(static)_

ZOE: It's always good to know there's someone out there kicking Elise's punk ass. Hey, I gotta take off, guys. I got a hot, steamy date down in Metro City.

VIGGO: Well that's all the time we have for the show today. Thanks for joining us, Zoe.

ZOE: No probalo.

EDDIE: Don't forget to join us next week, where Hardcore SSX will follow the entire two-hour long King of the Mountain race from start to finish, the most grueling test of endurance in extreme sports!

VIGGO: We now return you to "Remember the Titans" on Bravo Network's "Sports Movies for the Soul." Got any last words, Zoe?

ZOE: This one's for Joey, Dee Dee, and Johnny... Rest in peace.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

"… and it turns out we have extra room on the S.S. Black Diamond," Eddie said.

Viggo's MComm beeped. "I've gotta take this one, guys," he said. "It's from the Bravo execs."

"So will you do it, Zoe?" Eddie pleaded. "Neither of us know how to do play-by-play."

"Cool it, Eddie," Zoe said. "I'm sold. It's like getting front row seats to the Superbowl of Snowboarding. You just don't turn that down."

"You'd better enjoy it," said Viggo, closing his MComm. "Ratings are in, and it turns out that Hardcore SSX is the lowest rated show on Bravo."

"Duh," said Zoe, rolling her eyes. "The only people who watch Bravo are hairdressers, hairdresser-wannabes, and emo kids."

"No prob," said Eddie. "The King of the Mountain is where we get a chance to show the suits what we can do."

Viggo shook his head. "No it won't," he said. "The King of the Mountain is our last show. Bravo isn't picking us up for another season. We've been canceled."


	5. Episode 5: Love and SSX

Confession time: this was by far the hardest episode to write so far. I went through several different versions, and I had to cut out some scenes that just weren't working. (Skye alludes to an adventure in a hot tub. This is all that's left of an extended hot tub scene that went nowhere and I pretty much trashed.) I wanted to cram as much story as I could to set up the finale at the King of the Mountain --- which will, it itself, take up the next three episodes or so.

The problem was that the episode explores several relationships, but I didn't want the story to get too maudlin or too corny. Striking that balance is harder than it seems, and I don't think I was at all successful.

And then I had the problem of the story getting too long. I'd considered yanking the Fan Fest section out of here. But then again, what's a "Hardcore SSX" without the on screen antics of Eddie and Viggo (and now Zoe and Griff)?

In any case, enjoy! See if you can catch a few Simpsons references I stuck in here.

----------

**CHAPTER FIVE: Love and SSX**

"This is not working out, Skye," Eddie said. "You and me, we got nothing in common. Now, you're dead sexy and all, but there's only so much a man can take from a girl who doesn't even know who Bruce Lee is. I hope this means we can still be friends. And do friend things. Like making out. Oh yeah. I think that'll work."

Eddie looked up from his palm where he had written his speech. Perfect. Nothing could possibly go wrong. He stopped by a mirror in the hallway and checked out his afro. One curl was out of place. He ran his fro-pick through his hair and smoothed it down.

"Rico suave," he thought, checking himself out.

He walked a short way down the hall and knocked on the door to Skye's hotel room. The unlocked door swung open.

"Uh, Skye?" Eddie said, peeking into the room.

Skye stood next to the window. She was talking on her cell phone.

"No," she said in a low voice. "No one here suspects a thing, mate. Everything is falling into place. Tomorrow, we strike."

Eddie cleared his throat. "Is this a bad time?"

Noticing Eddie for the first time, Skye hastily put away her cell phone. "Eddie, love, you know you should knock first. Or were you expecting to catch me in my bloomers?" she added slyly.

"Huh?" Eddie said defensively. "No. I was just…. Uh…." He opened up his palm. All of the writing was smudged. "Oh, dammit," he sighed.

"Tell you what, love," Skye said, massaging his shoulders. "I was about to head down to the hot tub at the rec center. I could use some company. And I had such a cute swimsuit picked out." She lifted the two-piece bikini that had been laying on her bed.

Eddie's face turned beet red and a crazy smile spread across his face.

"Yes, ma'am," he said obediently.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

_Two years ago._

"… and that was 'Jet Boy, Jet Girl' by Elton Motello. Before that, we had 'American Badass' by Kid Rock, 'Maps' by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and --- by request from Griff Simmons --- an old school selection, 'The Flash Gordon Theme' by Queen. Now, I love bashing little Griff as much as the next guy, but I've got to admit, 'The Flash Gordon Theme' is pretty cool."

"This is DJ Atomika, and you are listening to Radio Big.

"The staff here at Radio Big would like to extend our congratulations to bad girl Allegra Sauvagess for winning this year's SSX tournament. When asked about how she felt winning the King, or rather, Queen of the Mountain, she replied that she always gets what she wants. Wow. If there's any truth to the rumor that 'Big Al' is now dating Psymon --- you heard that right, borderline psychotic Psymon Stark --- then all I have to add is: you go, girl.

"In local news, Martin Stieber was forcibly ejected from a Metro City bar for starting a fight with a patron. This is just the lastest in a string of controversial antics by Mr. Stieber. Martin, who you may remember as 'Marty,' reportedly tested for a blood alcohol of .36. Yeoutch. Witnesses say that the fight started when the bar patron made a remark that no one on the tour would even, quote unquote, 'give a flying beep' about Marty if it wasn't for his far more famous cousin, SSX veteran Mac Fraser. Tour officials are currently debating whether or not to yank Marty's SSX tour pass. Let that be a lesson to all relatives of popular SSX veterans. Tyson Logan, I'm looking at you.

"Now that SSX 3 is over, things seem to have quieted down tremendously on Big Mountain. The spectators have gone home, and most of the competitors have packed. I hear a few have stayed behind to take advantage of the clear ski paths. Keep your eyes open: you might see fan favorite lovebirds Mac Fraser and Kaori Nishidake shredding the untracked courses. If you do go outside, though, use caution: Ski Patrol warns us that visibility is low.

"Radio Big would also like to remind you that in a few months, several of our competitors will be headed to South America for the infamous International Electric Bohemian Snowboard Festival. The Festival then moves on to Tibet, Europe, and, if the schedule permits, Antarctica. I'm sure that's going to thrill all ten scientists that live down there. After that, the tour returns here to Big Mountain in, what I understand, will be a radical shake-up to the SSX tour format. Stay tuned to Radio Big for all SSX tour news and updates.

"Up next, we have a delightful, off-beat request from Kaori Nishidake. This is 'Riding On the Rocket' by the beloved Japanese Ramones clones, Shonen Knife."

"Hello, this is Naoko Yamano of Shonen Knife, and you are listening to Radio Big."

Kaori boarded down the mountain at a tentative speed. She wore her powder blue Gore-Tex tights and matching Blue Art Deco helmet --- an ensemble she liked to call "Nicely Done." Her trusty pink MComm, decorated with "Love Hina" stickers, was strapped around her arm.

"Ooh! Sugoo sugi!" Kaori cheered, bouncing with excitement as her song played. "Sore wa sugoi ne!"

Mac boarded next to her. He wore a dirty black-and-white baseball tee with trendy graphic of Chairman while a gaudy gold chain with an "MF" pendant dangled from his neck. He had also grown his hair long. Kaori had hinted that she liked it that way, which was fine, but it was starting to itch.

He was less enthusiastic about DJ Atomika's radio broadcast.

"What did he say?" Mac thought. "'Lovebirds'? Godammit, Atomika."

The surreal mix of fog and ice swirled around the two snowboarders. Mac could barely see the outlines of several felled timber, the remnants of a logging camp that had been abandoned for the winter. For the most part, the path was clear, though a little icy.

Meanwhile, Shonen Knife played on the radio. "Riding on the rocket, I wanna go to Pluto/ Space foods are marshmallow, asparagus, and ice cream…."

"Can't a guy and a girl just be friends?" Mac thought, still peeved.

There was a short break in the fog as they approached a clearing. Kaori spotted a log that rested at an angle on a small hill. She winked mischievously at Mac. Hunching over to gain speed, Kaori did a grind on the log and launched herself into the air. Mac wiped the snow off his goggles as he watched her slim body silhouetted against the afternoon sun. She pushed at the heel of her snowboard with the toes of her right foot. She bent her left leg, stretched her right arm to the sky, and curved her left arm around her hip. Glistening snowflakes surrounded her as she twirled in the air like a luminous ballerina.

As Kaori landed in the snow, Mac came to the sudden realization that he had been staring.

"Godammit," Mac thought. "What if I'm wrong?"

The fog had started to thicken as Mac pulled up along side Kaori. For a while, they rode side by side in silence. Other than the ghostly shapes of trees passed them by, the only thing that they could see was each other.

"Hey, Kaori," Mac said, finally breaking the silence, "did you ever have the hots for me?"

Kaori looked back at him in shock. "N-nani?" she stammered.

"Ha!" Mac shot back. "I knew it! You can understand English! All this time, too."

He boarded off into the fog.

"Baka!" Kaori yelled. Mac knew that she could understand some English. What game was he playing? She scooped up some snow and threw a snowball at his rapidly retreating figure.

Mac laughed, ducking the snowball. It was stupid to ask the question. Kaori was his only friend on the slopes. If it went any further, it would be over.

"Are we still racing to the bottom or what?" Mac called back. "Pitter patter, let's get at her!"

Kaori screamed something, panic in her voice. Mac didn't understand. Sometimes, he wished he could help her learn English, but he didn't even know the first step. But, had he understood her, he would have saved himself several months of pain.

For Mac suddenly realized that there was absolutely nothing under his feet. He looked behind to see that he had boarded off the edge of what looked like a frozen waterfall. There was a long drop ahead of him that extended farther below than he could see.

"Oh, damn," Mac yelled as he plummeted through the fog. "I'm boned!"

Kaori stopped at the edge and watched as Mac disappeared from sight.

"MAC!" she screamed.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

_Today._

This looked familiar.

Mac looked behind him. He had boarded off the edge of a frozen dam. There was a long drop ahead of him. This time, he could see the obstacle that lay below: four large metallic turbines. Each looked heavy enough to survive a collision with a semi. Mac did not find any of this very reassuring.

"Alright," he thought. "I gotta squeeze between them somehow. First, I need to slow the descent."

Mac stretched out his arms and bent his legs, catching air on the flat of his board and the folds of his shirt.

"Now," he thought as he approached the turbines, "I've got to tuck in before I get rocked."

It almost worked. Mac's timing was off, and he hit his board against the top of one of the turbines. The impact caused him to spin out of control. He landed face first onto the frozen lake below and skid several yards before coming to an abrupt stop at a snowbank.

A few seconds later, someone grabbed him by the arm and led him to spot nearby. He laid back against a log, too wiped out to move. His rescuer sat next to him.

"Now that is what I call a train wreck," she said. With some effort, Mac turned his head, and his eyes met the deep blue eyes of Allegra Sauvagess.

"What are you doing here, Allegra?" Mac asked.

"Geez, don't thank me or nothing," Allegra said, smirking. "I only pulled your broken body out of a frozen lake."

"They can rebuild me," Mac said, finding the strength to scoot up to a more comfortable position. "I don't think I broke anything this time. That's good. Just skinned my face bad, I think."

"Did it skin your hair, too?" Allegra joked. "I could never figure out why you went skinhead, Mac. I though the long hair was pimp."

Mac rubbed the back of his head, running his palm through the bristles. "What, I thought crewcuts were in this year."

"Chicks don't dig bald," Allegra said as she rummaged through her backpack. "Anyway, I'm here the same reason as you, Mac," she said. "Last minute practice. I've been scoping the entire trail, from The Peak to Metro City. Can't blame you for wiping out: the dam is a doozy. There is a little secret, though, on how to get down in one piece. Ah, here it is."

She removed a green thermos from her backpack and poured a cup of coffee. "Try this," she said, handing the cup to Mac. "It'll warm you up."

Mac took a sip. "Irish crème?"

"You know me so well," Allegra said.

"It's working," Mac said. "Hey, sorry about being the King of Douchebags earlier. Thanks for rescuing me. You're my favorite superhero."

Allegra snorted, blushing a little. She played with her braids, watching Mac as he poured himself another cup. "Hey," she said, "if you're not doing anything after the big race tomorrow, you want to … head some place quiet to decompress? You know, just to get away from the noise and the hype and the expectations. I've got a boss flatscreen at my place…."

Mac laughed. "Is Allegra Sauvagess asking me out on a date?"

"And what's s funny about that?" she said, swatting him on the head.

"Agh!" Mac howled. "That's still sore!"  
"Duh. That's why I hit you, loser."

"I didn't mean anything. I just figured I was never your type. You seemed to be attracted to the self-destructive nihilist types like a certain Psymon Stark."

Allegra snatched the Thermos from Mac and took a long, hard swig. "Screw him," she said. "I wanted to be with someone fun. That guy was all image. I actually caught him reading _Critique of Pure Reason _once. What kind of nihilist reads Immanuel Kant? And did you hear the rumors that he cried like a girl when I broke up with him? All true."

"Are you saying I'm more your type?" Mac asked.

"Not only that," Allegra said, scooting closer to him. "I'm also saying I'm free. Unlike a certain other woman you seem to be obessed with."

Mac gulped. "What are you…. Why does everyone say that?"

"Gee," Allegra said flatly, "I wonder." She poured Mac another cup. "I'll make it easy for you," she said, looking up at the dam. "I'll teach you the secret of how to board down the dam. But only on one condition."

Mac noticed an odd twinkle in Allegra's eye. "And that is?" he asked.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

In her hotel room, Kaori looked at the ridiculous gold chain with the "MF" medallion. It was so ridiculously gaudy, like the big clock she once saw a rap artist wear around his neck. But in a strange way, it reminded her of the best parts of Mac Fraser: bold, unashamed, and fearless.

Mac had given her this chain the day he took an unfortunate leap off a frozen waterfall. She had radioed the ski patrol, made her way down the cliff, and waited beside the unconscious Mac. He snapped back to consciousness just as the paramedics arrived.

As they lifted him on the stretcher, he told the paramedics to give her to take the medallion_. "Because I'm a bonehead, and I too broken to join you on that World Tour,"_ he explained when she asked. _"Keep that chain with you. When you get down to South America, or Europe, or wherever, it's like I'll be riding right next to you, partner. Win that tour for us both."_

"Kaori?" Sid said, talking over the phone. "Are you OK, Kaori? You haven't said anything in almost a minute. I said if you're free tonight, we could go down to the Karma Sushi or head down to the art house. I understand that they're playing Richard Linklater's _Before Sunrise_."

Kaori instinctively tucked the gold chain under her sweater.

"Sid," she said finally, "I am sorry. I need some time alone."

"Wh-what are you saying?"

"I have not been honest to you. And I have not been honest to myself. There is … there is something I need to find out first."

"Find out? Find out what?"

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

In his stately cabin, the largest single occupancy residence in all of Big Mountain, Sid closed his cell phone. His hand trembled with rage. He wanted to crush to phone into small, bite-sized fragments of plastic and electronics. Instead, he just flung it across the room, where it smacked against his Andy Warhol painting. No sense ruining his manicure.

He staggered into his den, where a hearty fire roared in his fireplace. A large mural of Kaori Nishidake hung above his mantelpiece. Beside it were large posters duplicating Kaori's cover photos from Powder, Maxim, and Better Homes & Gardens. Several Kaori action figures decorated his bookshelves, including the latest one where Kaori dressed in a very revealing plaid skirt.

"That outfit was my idea," Sid reflected ruefully.

Sid slumped into his black Italian leather armchair. He poured himself a glass of vodka.

His mind had been clouded in confusion before, but now, things were becoming clear. His fingers slowly curled into a fist.

"Mac Fraser," he finally said with a drunken slur. "Tomorrow, you are going to die!"

He threw his class into the fireplace. The glass and alcohol ignited in a small yet impressive eruption, which reflected in Sid's wraparound sunglasses.

Sid stood up unsteadily. "Do you hear me, Fraser?" he howled to no one in particular. "You are going to die!"

The last effort proved to be too much, and Sid collapsed back into his seat, falling asleep.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

**HARDCORE SSX**

_(Scene opens to the tune of "The Distance" by Cake. Graphics are highlight reels of champions from the previous tours: Mac Fraser from the first Tour, Elise Riggs from the second, and Allegra Sauvagess from the third. Each scene is surrounded by graffiti-like artwork. Word briefly flash on the screen asking: "WHO WILL BE THE NEXT BLACK DIAMOND ROCK STAR?" )_

_(The scene dissolves to the view of the announce booth aboard a V-22 Osprey tiltrotor. Our two hosts are sitting at a desk adorned with ads for Old Spice: Red Zone, MTV2, and the new Bravo sensation "Top Chef.")_

EDDIE: Welcome to the final race of the On Tour season… and, unless we can find another station, the final episode of "Hardcore SSX"! Thanks a lot, Bravo.

VIGGO: Hey, give 'em a break, man. At least they gave us a whole three hours today for the King of the Mountain.

EDDIE: I am Eddie "The Mighty" Wachowski, and this is my studio partner, Viggo "Swiss Miss" Rolig.

VIGGO: For the last time, Eddie, I'm Swedish!

EDDIE: Today, our Bravo TV airing….

VIGGO: And… not a "Miss."

EDDIE: Today, our Bravo TV airing of the "King of the Mountain" will be broadcast by several international affiliates.

VIGGO: That's right, compadre. I would like to offer a hearty "Cheerio" to our partners at BBC in Europe and "Hola" to our partners at Marisol TV in South America….

EDDIE: Hold on. There's a Marisol TV?

VIGGO: Yeah. Marisol managed to leverage her fashion empire into some sort of Oxygen-meets-"House of Style" cable network. I heard it's big in Venezuela. She tells us that we're apparently on Hugo Chavez's TiVo.

EDDIE: Crunchy. We are announcing today from inside the S.S. Black Diamond, a converted helicopter-airplane thing…

GRIFF: _(offscreen) _Tiltrotor!

EDDIE: … where we'll be following the action from a whacked out table the sky. This is one high tech chariot, people. _(camera pans across the cabin)_ Multiple video screens, state-of-the-art sound system, digital cameras. It's like one of those "Pimp My Ride" cars.

VIGGO: You know, all they ever do on that show is stick TV's where the doors are rusted out…,.

EDDIE: We are frikkin' riding in style. The NFL SkyCam has got nothing on us!

VIGGO: Get on with the pre-race show, Xzibit.

EDDIE: Oh, right. People, our live coverage starts one hour from now, right here in Metro City. We're going to follow our SSX competitors as the…

_(mike boom falls on announce table with a loud crash)_

GRIFF: _(offscreen)_ Oh, SNAP!

VIGGO: The hell?

GRIFF: _(offscreen)_ I'll… get that fixed before we take off. For now, just … try talking into the mike, there. On the table.

EDDIE: I… I would, except I kinda lost my train of thought.

VIGGO: God, I almost lost my bladder.

_(EDDIE stares.)_

VIGGO: Relax. I didn't. _(leaning over the fallen mike boom) _Anyway, folks, our live coverage starts an hour from now, here at ground level in Metro City. We begin when we follow our competitors as they are transported by helicopter to The Peak.

EDDIE: That should be cool. They're going to be hanging outside the chopper and standing on the skids.

VIGGO: Each competitor will then be sequestered in a starting suspended by trellis fifty feet above the ground. When the race starts, we will join the racers via live feed down a canyon that leads through a dense forest. Half a mile down the slope, we will track the racers as thy make their way through an abandoned logging camp.

EDDIE: _(leaning over mike)_ There's a lot of felled logs, and we might catch some SSX favorites doing some totally wicked grinds.

VIGGO: The race takes an icy turn as the path exits to a frozen lake and a steep drop thanks to a hydroelectric dam. Dubbed "Hot Dam" by our imaginative race organizers, this could very well be the most dangerous area of the tour. The Dam is over 700 feet high, a vertical drop that steep even for seasoned SSX veterans.

A short distance later, the racers rejoin civilization at Mind the Gap. A few thousand SSX fans have already gathered here to cheer on their favorites, the largest crowd outside of the big one in Metro City.

EDDIE: There's no doubt, though, that they're having more fun up there than the total squares down here. Superbabe ski goddess, Zoe Payne, will be joining the announce team at The Peak… but right now, she's at Mind the Gap covering the fourth annual "Love and SSX Fan Fest"! Zoe, are you there?

_(camera switches to the Fan Fest at Mind the Gap. However, all the viewers at home see is a close-up of Zoe's chest.)_

ZOE: Thanks, Eddie. I am standing here at the ice sculpting contest. The first entrant is entitled "Snowball." No innuendo whatsoever. I'm standing here with the sculptor of the piece. Sir, how would you describe…. Hold on a second.

_(Zoe attaches the Mega Masher, an oversized mechanical fist with matching heart tattoo, to her left hand. After flexing her fingers, she lets her fist fly straight at the lens. Luther falls, and the camera, cracked in one corner, now points at the sky. Zoe stands over the camera.)_

LUTHER: _(offscreen) _Owned. Unhhhhh…

_(Zoe looks around.)_

ZOE: Hey, JP….

JP:_ (offscreen) _Who is this JP? I am Nigel, the lovable SSX mascot. Ugh. I feel dirty.

ZOE: Whatever. Do you know how to hold a camera?

JP: Ah, êtes-vous sérieux? Oh, my dream come true!

ZOE: _(picking up the camera) _Hold this, dreamboy. And if I catch you filming the goods, Ms. Mega Masher is going to have a private meeting … with your face.

_(After a few seconds spent adjusting, the camera is now focused on Zoe, the sculptor, and his masterpiece… a snowman.)_

SCULPTOR #1: Two hundred six bones, fifty miles of small intestine, full pouting lips. This fellow is less an ice sculpture ... than a god.

ZOE: It's a snowman.

SCULPTOR #1: _(angrily)_ It's a _real_ man made out of _snow_.

ZOE: Whatever, fruitcake. I'm moving on to the grand prize winner of the ice sculpting contest.

SCULPTOR #2: It is a tribute to one man's unrelenting yet unsatisfactory obsession.

ZOE: Viggo, I think you might like this one. Apparently, it's an ice sculpture of you.

_(screen goes back to the announce booth)_

VIGGO: _(surprised)_ No way.

EDDIE: I have got to see this.

_(screen returns to the ice sculpting competition, this time showing a finely detail ice sculpture of Viggo. He is leaning over in a pose showing him pushing away from a pole where his tongue has frozen.)_

SCULPTOR #2: I call it "The Passion of Viggo."

ZOE: It's an incredible likeness. What do you think, guys?

_(back to the announce booth)_

EDDIE: Ahahaha! Ice BURN!

VIGGO: Christ.

EDDIE: I love how he captured how clueless you look. One hundred percent accurate.

VIGGO: Oh, come on! That only happened to me once.

EDDIE: What are you talking about? It happened to you every time you got on a ski lift! It was on the cover of _Powder_ and ranked as one of the Top Ten moments of SSX 3 by _ESPN the Magazine_!

VIGGO: That pole … it was just there. Taunting me. It was maddening. Can you BLAME ME?

EDDIE: So how did it taste?

VIGGO: Since you asked … delicious.

EDDIE: Freak.

_(The camera returns to Zoe. This time, she is standing among a large crowd of people in colorful costumes.)_

ZOE: Guys, getting back to the "Love and SSX Fan Fest," as you can see behind me, SSX fans can be the wildest, most obsessed fans on the planet. Though some seem a bit confused. I swear, there's one guy here dressed up as "The Yeti" from Ski Free. He's got rakes for arms and everything. However, standing behind me is one of the most recognizable uber-fans, BUNNY-SAN.

_(BUNNY-SAN waves to the camera. He is a fat sumo wrestler, clothed only in a mawashi loin cloth and a bunny mask.)_

ZOE: Bunny-San here is most famous for managing to make the SSX roster on the third tour. It was also the last time SSX tour organizers allowed fans to vote in an SSX rider via online poll. Hey, Bunny-San, mi amigo, got anything to say to our viewers at home?

_(BUNNY-SAN indicates with his hands that he cannot speak. However, he does hold up a small chalkboard where he has scribble the words: "MY MASK IS STUCK. GET HELP.")_

ZOE: _(laughing) _Oh, Bunny-San. You are such a joker.

_(BUNNY-SAN shakes his head sadly.)_

ZOE: It looks like a fight has broken out. JP, zoom in on those fans over there near the Heli-Pad.

JP: _(offscreen)_ Oui.

_(One fan is wearing a spiky wig and is sporting temporary tattoos and black make-up in a terrible attempt to dress up as PSYMON. The second fan is sporting a dreadlock wig, sunglasses, and a Manchester United jersey in a terrible attempt to dress up as MOBY.)_

PSYMON COSPLAYER: Dammit! SSX Tricky was the best tour! It wasn't the same stupid mountain! They went around the world! Tokyo Megaplex!

MOBY COSPLAYER: God, are you crazy? I cannot believe my freaking ears! SSX Tricky was a funhouse! SSX 3 got the tour the respect boardercoss deserved from the sporting community!

PSYMON COSPLAYER: Gah! SSX Tricky!

MOBY COSPLAYER: SSX 3!

PSYMON COSPLAYER: SSX TRICKY!

MOBY COSPLAYER: SSX 3!

_(The two COSPLAYERS grab each other and start slapping. A crowd gathers around them and eggs them on.)_

ZOE: Uh, there is nothing more ugly than a nerd fight. As much as I'd love to go all Mega Masher on their asses, I have this creepy feeling that it would encourage some sort of sick fantasy fetish. So, I'm outta here. That wraps up our coverage of the "Love and SSX Fan Fest." Hey, I'll catch up with you guys at The Peak. This is Zoe Payne: peace out.

_(the camera returns to the announce booth)_

EDDIE: _(giggling)_ Hey, did you see that fatass standing in the back there? That was the worst Luther costume I have ever seen!

VIGGO: Look again, idiot. That guy was wearing an afro wig. I think he was cosplaying … as you.

EDDIE: What? No. NOOOOOO!

VIGGO: We'll return to Hardcore SSX after this brief commercial ….

EDDIE: I'm gonna claw my frikkin' eyes out!

VIGGO: Jesus Christ! Chill out, spaz! We'll return to our special race-day episode after a word from our sponsor!

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

The Unknown Rider stood on a rooftop in Metro City. He lifted his goggles and surveyed the scene with a pair of binoculars. A crowd gathered around the Metro City helipad as the official SSX helicopters descended from the sky. These people were so easily amused. Haven't they seen aircraft before?

He turned his next to look at a spot high up the mountain. They could barely be seen at this distance, but there they were. Two art deco towers emerged from the snow. In between was a frozen drop of ice and concrete. Hot Dam.

He put away the binoculars and smiled. There would be a little surprise waiting for the riders there. And then he would witness the complete and utter destruction of SSX at the hands of the Unknown Rider.

But for now… the race was about to start.


	6. Episode 6: Attack of Killer Snow Zombies

I'm going to try something different this time around. The previous episodes have been focused on dialogue and character development. This time, I'm going to try my hand at action. Hopefully, it turns out well. Enjoy.

**CHAPTER FIVE: Attack of the Killer Snow Zombies (King of the Mountain, Part 1)**

The fleet of choppers ascended from Metro City toward the mountain top. Each carried two riders. The riders, who stood on the chopper skids wearing their snowboards or skis, hung onto a handle mounted outside the chopper fuselage. A black tiltrotor craft known as the S.S. Black Diamond followed from behind.

When they reached the summit, named "The Peak" by tour organizers, the competitors disembarked and rode the short distance toward the starting gate. Nearby, fans cheered and called out their favorites. A few of the competitors waved, while some ignored them as it might disrupt their zen-like trance.

When each competitor was safely in the starting gate, a whistle blew. The pnuematic presses started up, and each gate was lifted several feet above the ground. Here, the competitors would wait in isolation until the gates opened.

The chambers provided protection from the frigid peak winds and a last chance to prepare before the marathon descent. Yet, something about the set-up bothered Kaori Nishidake.

"What is the English word for fear of closed spaces?" she thought.

Secured trick bindings? Check. Wrist guards? Check. She patted the area under her neck. Gaudy "MF" pendant? Check.

She clipped her old pink MComm to her belt and inserted her earbuds. She was a little surprised to hear a beep, followed by a female voice declaring: "You have one unheard message."

"Kaori?" said the voice on the recorded message. "Didn't mean to catch you so soon before the race."

"Mac?" Kaori thought, a little surprised. She looked at the MComm screen. The message had been recorded only a few minutes ago.

The message continued. "Listen, I've done some thinking and... There's a shortcut left of the lumber yard. You go through some tree trunks, then to a tunnel. Not many people know about it. Meet me there. We can talk and ride together, like old times. What do you say? Is it a date?"

Kaori smiled. "It's a date," she said to the voicemail.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

_(We join the announce crew at the start gates. A crowd gathered in the stands nearby. One fan waves "Free Nate!" sign, and is soon verbally assaulted by a fan with a "Jail Nate" sign. Another nearby hold one that says "Marry me, Elise!" Yet another waves a placard that says "Fear the sunglasses," an incredibly obscure sign of support for Sid. Scattered fans wave flags from Japan, the USA, Australia, and Canada.)_

_(One group of shirtless fans press themselves against the barrier. They are all wearing mohawk skullcaps, and each have one letter painted on their belly. Collectively, they spell "P-S-Y-M-N-O.")_

_(A fan bearing an uncanny resemblance saunters through the crowd. There is some discussion among the spectators whether this is the real Mac or not. An amused couple pose with the Mac cosplayer and have their picture taken.)_

_(Camera cuts to a ground view. The S.S. Black Diamond hovers just behind the start gates. Luther is sitting on a chair suspended from underneath the tiltrotor by a mechanical pylon. He is manning the camera and filming the establishing footage.)_

_(GRIFF cues up the graphics that show that they are back from commercial break. Flipping another switch, he cues up his mix, starting with "Twitch" by Bif Naked.)_

_(VIGGO, EDDIE, and ZOE are seated at the announce table. VIGGO is reading the latest issue of the Zatanna comic while EDDIE is scarfing down a bowl of Lucky Charms. ZOE, who had been polishing the Mega Masher, suddenly frowns.)_

ZOE: _(grumbling)_ Geez, why don't you just play Alanis Morrisette, Griff. That music's terrible.

GRIFF: What? I thought you'd be a huge Bif Naked fan.

ZOE: Nah. I friggin' hate Bif Naked. Why does everyone think I like Bif Naked?

VIGGO: _(looking up from comic book) _By the way, Zoe, where did you get that Mega Masher? That is ultra-suave to the power of infinity.

ZOE: _(patting the Mega Masher mechanical arm)_ Oh, this thing? Don't you remember the goofy prizes they handed out at the Peak 2 event two years ago? Well, I managed to score me this baby. It's practically indispensible when I need to keep Moby in line.

VIGGO: You are so lucky. They gave me a Victorian lampshade. Though, I must say, it was surprisingly aerodynamic. Have you ever ridden down a mountain with a lampshade on your head? Keeps your hair in place and the sun out of your eyes. God, I wish I hadn't sold if off on eBay.

_(VIGGO looks off, wistfully.)_

ZOE: Mmm-Kay.

EDDIE: At least you got something that cost over twenty cents. All I got was a stupid old paper bag with holes for eyes.

GRIFF: _(clearing throat) _Guys? We're on.

VIGGO: Oh, crap. W-Welcome back to our broadcast! We are only seconds away from the start of the King of the Mountain, which will crown this year's SSX champion. We're finally joined by our play-by-play commentator, Zoe "The Future" Payne.

ZOE: Yo.

EDDIE: It's been a weird year. It started with the highly controversial move to admit two hundred competitors and to decorate the race with a rock star theme. Then there was the Nate Logan steroid scandal, the disappearances of several riders, the odd circumstances that lead Elise Riggs to be seated number 8...

VIGGO: And don't forget a certain mystery man.

EDDIE: _(dismissively)_ Fine. The, quote unquote, "Unknown Boogeyman" _(makes claw marks in the air)_ ...

VIGGO: _(defensively) _The "Unknown Rider."

EDDIE: But now the season comes down to this: eight racers in a mad dash to the bottom? Who will walk away with the thrill of victory... and who will suffer the agony of defeat? Who will be crowned ... the next Black Diamond Rock Star?

VIGGO: That was beautiful, Eddie.

EDDIE: Thanks. I just rolled with the moment.

VIGGO: It looks like the countdown's starting.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

3...

2...

1...

On a large projection screen, a poorly drawn doodle of a screaming man popped up, flashing the devil horns with both his hands. From the speakers, the pre-recorded voice of David Lee Roth screamed in a stereotypical hair metal voice: "ROCK ON!"

The lockbolts on the starting gates slid with a bang. The gates swung open. The crowd cheered, some clanking on pots and pans to lift the din to a deafening noise. A string of fireworks launched and popped in rhythmic succession. Their white smoky trails, swept and shaped by an icy breeze, blossomed like white lillies against the clear blue sky.

The snowboarders and the skiiers sprinted forward like a bullet from a chamber, and they arched through the sky like a flock of birds. The ground below seemed to sparkle as several spectators shot their cameras. As the riders landed, they kicked up a fine white powder mist. Small rivulets of loose snow followed the riders as they barreled down the mountain, hunched over tightly to gain speed.

The race was on.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

VIGGO: … and that's why it's my dream to be immortalized in Lego form.

EDDIE: _(nodding) _Truly a noble pursuit.

ZOE: Tyson Logan has taken the early breakaway, taking advantage of a shortcut that places him 200 meters ahead of the main body of riders. But Elise Riggs is not about to give up, pursuing only about 50 meters behind. At that distance, the blonde skiier can still see him, which is a huge pyschological benefit.

_(The cameras show a shot of the racers. They appear to be small black specks as they race between the walls of the canyon.)_

VIGGO: _(squinting his eyes)_ I can barely see them. How do you know who's who?

ZOE: They both on skis. Tyson is the smallest of the competitors. And Elise is giving of some serious bimbo vibes.

EDDIE: _(annoyed)_ Hey, Griff. Why don't you fly a little bit closer so it doesn't look like we're following a flea circus?

GRIFF: No can do, Ed-meister. We ge any nearer, the air flow and the vibration from the noise might possibly trigger an avalanche. I can't take that risk.

VIGGO: God, this footage is going to be such a big selling point when we shop our show around to other networks.

EDDIE: Was that sarcasm?

VIGGO: I think so. Us Swedes don't too well with sarcasm.

EDDIE: And another thing... Are you really Swedish? You said you've grown there all your life, but I've never heard you speak the language. Hell, you don't even have an accent. It sounds vaguely Midwestern.

VIGGO: Well, you see, Eddie old chum, that's easily explained. It all started when...

ZOE: Hey, guys, let's get back to the race. Luther, swing around to the back and let's get a shot of the other riders.

_(Camera switches to four small black dots. The view is a little more impressive, though, as they each leapt over a ridge and nailed an individual trick.)_

ZOE: That looks like Sid, Mac Fraser, and Allegra Sauvagess, followed not too far behind by Psymon Stark.

EDDIE: Yeah. You can spot Pinky from a mile away.

ZOE: The three snowboarders could easily catch up to the breakaway if they worked together and rode in a straight line to cut down air resistance. However, it seems Mac and Sid are involved in a shoving match. Sid threw a haymaker! Looks like Mac ducked out of the way, though. Allegra is trying to push her way between the two men to break it up.

EDDIE: Holy crap. You can see all that?

VIGGO: _(turning to Eddie)_ Hey, Wachowski, I just noticed something. Where's your girlfriend?

EDDIE: Hey, just because we had a little hot tub action doesn't mean…. _(suddenly concerned)_ Wait a minute. You're right. Where _is_ Skye?

VIGGO: Also strangely missing in all of this is Kaori Nishidake. The camera doesn't seem to pick up a trace of her anywhere. Do you think she managed to find a shortcut up there?

ZOE: Maybe. But if she did, Kaori never takes a shortcut without bringing her riding partner. She's always been like that ever since the first tour. Why didn't she bring along Sid? Or even...

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

Kaori skidded to a stop. She looked around her. She had rode off the marked path and onto the shortcut like Mac had asked. It wound around a dense frozen forest and past several boulders. She arrived at an icy cave carved inside a thick glacier.

Mac wasn't here.

"Mac?" Kaori called out.

She was greeted by a low rumbling noise. It was likely the ice cracking and settling. Still, the near silence in a place far from the cheers of the SSX fans unnerved her.

A heavy, blunt object clubbed Kaori between her shoulders.

Kaori fell to the ground, stopping her fall with her hands. She screamed or in surprise than in pain. Two wraithlike figures, clad in alpine fatigues, shambled to either side of her. One held a wooden baseball bat, the very weapon that had taken her down. The other thrust an ether-soaked cloth in her face. Kaori began to lose consciousness.

"Who… who are you?" Kaori groggily demanded.

"Kaori, my dear," a voice said from within the cave. It sounded like Mac.

A man approached slowly, gradually emerging from the cave entrance and revealing himself in the filtered forest light. He wore a dark, featureless suit that covered him from head to toe. It was the Unknown Rider, though now he was not wearing his mask.

Kaori felt like her head jumped into her throat. "YOU!" she finally stammered. Then she collapsed into the snow.

"You've always been important to me, my sweet," he continued. "If it's any consolation, you are the most _kawaii_ bait I have ever laid my eyes on."

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

Allegra backed off a short distance behind Mac and Sid. She sighed. Seeing boys fight wasn't much difference than seeing two male gorillas go at it on the Animal Planet. There was the chest beating, the macho grunting, and the uncanny urge to knock the other guy's block off. It was impossible to stop, yet irresistible to watch.

The worst part was that she had a fairly good idea what they were fighting over.

Sid grabbed Mac's collar. While still racing downhill, he swung Mac around and slammed him against a tree trunk. Mac shrugged off the blow and pushed Sid off. For a while, the two combatants separated as they maneuvered around a maze of tree stumps. The Smipster, though, would not be denied, and seconds later he whacked Mac in the face.

Mac felt his jaw. Nothing was broken. He then charged at Sid and grabbed him by his thick, striped tie. "Yo, what the hell is your problem, man?" he screamed in Sid's face.

"Unhand me, cur," Sid threatened, "or, so I swear, I'll … lick your hand!" Sid stabbed Mac with the handle of his ski poles. "You've had this a long time coming, Fraser," he sneered.

They tumbled through a frozen thicket. Branches, thorns, and icicles lashed at their faces and ripped at their clothes. The ground here was bumpy, and for a while, the two forgot their fight and concentrated on the riding. As they maneuvered between the trees, neither could see each other until they reached the banks of a frozen river.

"Take my woman away from me, will you, you wigger? You don't deserve to live."

In his hand was a large icicle that he'd broken off in the woods. He wound his arm back, ready to strike Mac in the face. As he swung, however, Mac blocked with forearm and shoved Sid on the chest with his other arm. Sid dropped the icicle and temporarily lost control. He was now skiing backwards on the icy riverbed. He unstrapped his ski poles and touched the tip against the ice to balance himself.

"Will you just chill out, you emo freak?" Mac yelled. "How many times do I got to tell you there's nothing between us?"

"Then why did she break up with me because she still had lingering feelings for someone?" Sid demanded.

"She… what?"

Sid took the opportunity to punch Mac in the ribs. Mac retaliated by punching Sid in the mouth. Sid retreated to the opposite side of the river, clutching his mouth. Mac looked at his knuckles, which were now covered in a red smear.

Mac was shocked. He hadn't meant to hit so hard. He was about to apologize until he noticed that the blood wasn't dark or runny. He sniffed at the red smear. It didn't have the familiar iron smell of blood. Instead, it smelled of strawberries.

"What is this, lipstick?" Mac said incredulously. "This isn't even that lip gloss garbage. This is actual lipstick! What the hell, Sid? What the hell?"

"It accents my cheeks!" Sid yelled, lunging at his enemy.

This time, Allegra pushed her way between the two combatants. She blocked Sid's punch and gripped Mac by the shoulder.

"This is just like you, you womanizer," Sid spat. "Hiding behind your hussies."

"Oh, tell me you didn't just say that," she snapped. "You two boys would put your egos aside for just a second. Looks like we got a huge ass problem." She pointed to a spot downhill.

A hundred or so meters below, a masked man looked back. He was seated on a black snowmobile, its motor running. He revved up the engine threateningly. Kaori, sitting on the back of the snowmobile, was slumped over, unconscious.

Mac's blood froze. "KAORI!" he called out. "What have you done to her?"

The Unknown Rider cackled maniacally. He pressed his foot to the pedal, and he drove away.

_I know that laugh_, thought Mac. He turned to Sid. "I'm going after her," he said sternly.

Sid was stone faced and emotionless, his eyes hidden by his sunglasses. "I'm coming with," he said.

"Truce then?"

"Truce."

"You guys are so cute," Allegra said, slapping the two men on the back. "Count me in. How about you, Psymon?"

The man with the pink Mohawk, who had stopped at a nearby embankment to watch, nodded his head. His eyes seem to sparkle. "It's been a long time since I've knocked heads," he said, "but no Darth Vader rip-off messes with an SSX veteran and gets away with it."

"Then what the hell are we waiting for?" Mac said, leading the charge. "Let's kick his ass!"

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

VIGGO: Folks, I've never seen this before! The Unknown Rider had kidnapped beloved SSX vet, Kaori Nishidake!

EDDIE: Jesus Jones! He exists?

ZOE: Mac, Sid, Allegra, and Psymon are giving chase. The King of the Mountain doesn't matter anymore. They are veering far off the main race path, deeper into the woods. Almost as if he's leading them into … _(ZOE suddenly becomes silent.)_

VIGGO: Uh, Zoe?

ZOE: _(in a state of panic) _GRIFF! Close in on 'em! It's a trap!

GRIFF: _(worried) _What?

ZOE: There are other things moving on the slopes ….

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

The snowmobile was fast, but the competitors were more nimble. While the Unknown Rider kept to a path that was wide enough for his vehicle, the riders squeezed through tight spots between the trees, narrowing the gap.

_He looks so determined_, Allegra thought as she shot a sideways glance at Mac. _But, then again, they have been friends to a long time. _She thought about the time they sat in the shadow of the art deco dam yesterday.

"_A date," Allegra said, sipping hot coffee from her Thermos._

"_A date?" Mac said, surprised._

"_And not one of those stupid Pizza Hut ones," Allegra warned. "A real one. Fancy dinner. Monster truck rally. And whatever comes after."_

"_You like moster truck rallies?" Mac snorted._

"_Two tickets," she said. "What do you say? For the price of one date, I'll you the super-duper double-dog secret shortcut. You in?"_

"_Well, that's… Uh, sure," he said, sounding amused and more than a little relieved. "That does sound … kinda fun."_

She snapped out of her reverie when she heard a booming sound. Ahead, trees began to crash left and right. She nimbly leapt over a falling tree and did a handspring to land on to the other side. She joined Mac, who had come to a stop in a wooded valley. A short distance ahead, Sid and Pysmon had also stopped, similarly befuddled.

"What's going on?" asked Mac.

"I was hoping you'd tell me," Allegra responded.

Suddenly, the hills erupted in a shrill chorus of screams. Humanoid figures, camouflaged in white, burst forward from under the snow. They rushed down from the hillsides into the valley like an army possessed.

"Oh, hell!" Psymon screamed in terror. "This is just like my dream… only with less pirates and more unspeakable horror!"

He was the first to go down. Several of the figures surrounded Psymon and knocked him down with bats, rakes, and other heavy garden implements. Sid fought valiantly, knocking the attackers away with his ski poles. Mac got the worst of it. A large group, perhaps ten or twelve, gang up on him and pummel him to the ground.

"Mac!" Allegra yelled, rushing toward him.

An arm grabs her around the neck, pulling her back.

"No reach-arounds, buddy!" she growled as she jabbed her unseen assailant with her elbow.

Her bravado was wasted. Several more hands clawed at her and dragged her to the ground. She grit her teeth in steely resolve. She had not woken up this morning to be killed like a cheap extra in a monster movie.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

EDDIE: Oh my God! The SSX competitors has been attacked ... by KILLER SNOW ZOMBIES!

ZOE: _(sighing)_ Those are not snow zombies.

EDDIE: But they just popped out of the snow and they're going to suck out the brains of all the competitors!

ZOE: Eddie….

EDDIE: I can't explain it either, but for God's sake, we have an Unknown Rider, a snowboarding Sasquatch...

VIGGO: Legend. His name is Northwest Legend.

EDDIE: ... why in the hell can't there be zombies?

ZOE: Look closer, jackass. Don't you recognize them? Those aren't zombies. They're...

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

"The missing SSX snowboarders?" Mac cried in disbelief.

Gordon, a competitor who had ranked once seventh, kicked Mac in the side. "Couldn't you go out with grace and retire? This was our time to shine, man, but you had to hog the spotlight!"

Mac grabbed Gordon's foot and tripped him. He staggered to his feet, but several more former riders jumped on his back. He collapsed to the ground again.

Sid was the last competitor standing. His ski poles had tips that were sharpened to a razor-tipped point. He pointed the poles like they were two swords. Although a half-circle of attackers surrounded him, none were brave enough to tackle him. Pushing his heels outward in an S-shaped move, Sid began to scoot backwards, taking him away from the carnage.

"Sid!" Mac called out. "Help us out here, man!"

Sid looked back, his mouth curling into a sick grin. "There's only room for one hero, Fraser, and it sure as hell isn't you. Sayonara, sucker," he said mockingly, touching his cap and pointing at Mac with his middle and index finger.

He turned his back and skiied away as the army of disgruntled former SSX competitors whaled on Mac, Allegra, and Psymon.


	7. Episode 7: Hot Dam

We were having a discussion on fanfictions on a message board, and I remembered I did this one two years ago and never wrapped

We were having a discussion on fanfictions on a message board, and I remembered I did this one two years ago and never wrapped it up. I'll be honest with you, I wasn't sure I was keeping enough people interested. Episode 5 only got a few hits, and Episode 6 even fewer. But you know what? I've always wanted to finish this story. And now we have SSX Blur to play around with. So without further ado, the next episode of Hardcore SSX!

**CHAPTER SEVEN: Hot Dam (King of the Mountain, Part 2)**

At the Karma Sushi, the caterpillar roll is7 dollars, but ridicule is free. No one knew this better than Moby Jones.

"Ay," he said, miffed at the laughter in the bar, "what's everyone laughing at?"

Brodi arched his eyebrow. "I'd hate to break it to you, pal," he said, "but that hightop fade really doesn't suit you. What did you do to the dreads? Everyone loved 'em."

"Well, mate," Moby said, pulling up a seat, "I need a change if I want to continue racing in the tournament. And between you and me," he said, pulling up closer to Brodi's ear and lowering his tone, "the dreads is what caused me to get cut from the tournament this year. Got into my eyes and blinded me, it did."

Brodi smirked. "Is that lipstick you're wearing?"

"You noticed!" Moby said proudly. "Sid was telling me that they do wonders for your --hold up there, what's happening on the telly there?"

The cheers of the Karma Sushi patrons had turned into befuddlement and horror as the scene on Big Mountain transformed from a race to chaotic mayhem, as the cameras captured footage of the competitors getting mobbed by an army of angry disqualified athletes.

Yet one thing in particular caught Moby's attention.

"Bloody hell!" he screamed. "What's Zoe doing?"

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

EDDIE: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not to be believed! Our very own Zoe Payne has taken a swan dive off the Osprey, and she's on the snow, beating down the rival competitors with the Mega Masher!

VIGGO: I'm still not seeing how that thing can possibly be an effective weapon. But look at that! It apparently comes equipped with missile launchers.

EDDIE: Those are net launchers, folks! Just enough to mobilize, but not enough to harm. They're like … soft little spiderwebs glistening in the morning dew.

VIGGO: Um, yeah. No need to send in those nasty letters to the broadcast station just yet, viewers.

JP: _(off screen)_ Pfeh. She should just kill them all. She is capable of doing such a thing. They deserve no less for disrupting the glory of the race.

EDDIE: Well, look whose testicles just dropped. Just keep shooting the footage, Nigel you adorable dancing corporate mascot, you!

JP: _(irritated) _So you were amused by that, eh? Laugh now, cretin. Next year, I shall come back with a new attitude! I will dye my air blue and sport a pencil thin mustache and sneer like a stereotypical Frenchman! Then we shall see who will laugh.

EDDIE: (snorting) Yeah, I'd like to see you try that.

VIGGO: Dammit, Arsenault, you give all Europeans a bad name. But seriously, point the camera at the action or we're all fired.

EDDIE: It looks like the Unknown Rider just rounded the Hot Dam stage! If he goes off track and gets into the woods, the tree cover will make it impossible to track them. DAMN YOU, TREES!

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

Zoe launched a net from the Mega Masher, pinning down the last of the disgruntled competitors.

"You elitist trash!" Jennifer cried out, struggling under the mesh. "We deserved a spot on the main roster! We just proved that you losers are weaksauce!"

"We'll let ski patrol sort that out," Zoe said, waving her metallic fist at them. "For now, in the words of the immortal Arnold Schwarzenegger, 'Why don't you chill out.'" She turned to the fallen competitors. "Are you guys OK?"

Allegra spit some snow out of her mouth. "'Why don't you chill out?'"

"Caught _Batman & Robin_ on TBS last night," Zoe said, shrugging. "Can't get the damn movie out of my head. So sue me."

Psymon looked to be down for the count. Zoe knelt down beside him and sighed. "I'll stay back until he's looked after. In the mean time, someone's gotta track down that Unknown Rider."

Immediately, Mac seemed to have a renewed vigor. He tracked down his snowboard, which had slid several feet down the slope, and hurriedly snapped on his bindings. "Oh God," he cried, "he's got Kaori!"

Allegra blushed.

Mac sounded … passionate. It was a different passion that transcended mere competitiveness. His voice, trembling and urgent, echoed a deeper level of emotion. It was as if someone had revealed to her a secret that everyone on the tour except she knew, and she would have be privy if she had been around longer.

Allegra felt someone's eyes on her. Zoe flashed her an understanding look.

Allegra sighed. Men.

She grabbed her board, which had come to a rest on a nearby tree, and jumped on it.

"Fraser!" she called out. "You're gonna need some backup!"

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

Atop a small hill, the Unknown Rider took a quick glance at his bundle. Kaori was still unconscious. Soon, he thought, they'd be together, and everything would be all right in the end. He focused his binoculars on the vertical monolith known as Hot Dam. He could only spot the trail of one competitor coming down the slopes. A pity. Would those explosives go all to waste?

But wait…. He focused his binoculars slightly up the slope. Two other trails were coming down at an incredible speed. He increased the magnification on his binoculars.

Yes, he'd know that poke bonnet and goggle combination anywhere.

He drew a controller from his jacket. It would only be a matter of seconds now.

Unbeknownst to him, Kaori's eyes opened gingerly.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

A slight snowstorm stirred at this stage, and Sid could barely see the Unknown Rider and Kaori below. They looked like dots. Yet, for some reason, they had stopped. Good. Soon, glory, honor, and Kaori, they would all be his.

Suddenly, he heard a rapidly approaching crunch of snow behind. He risked a look.

Fraser! Sid wanted to scream, but instead he just clenched his teeth. How the hell did he manage to make up the four mile difference in such a short time? He'd never seen anyone achieve that speed! Surely he'd taken a shortcut. But most likely, Sid thought, it was dawdling on his own part. He'd been far too leisurely, the Hare to Mac Fraser's Tortoise.

Yet, at such a crucial moment, it would do no good now to lose one's head. Sid steered his skis wide to the left, and then he turned and steered to the right. He pressed his feet downward and at steep angles, creating deep grooves in the snow. He bore his sticks down, aggravating the snow even more.

Behind, Mac's snowboard began to vibrate, lurching up and lifting in the air for a few seconds before coming down unsteadily as it crossed each new groove. The snow was choppy, a series of small uncertain hills. Mac shifted his body and flailed his arms constantly to keep balance.

"Hey, quit it!" he called out to Sid. "Ride straight or I'm taking a spill!"

"That's the idea!" Sid called back. "I'm tired of you hogging all the spotlight, Fraser! Let's see you jump the dam at less then ideal speed!"

"Dammit!" Mac yelled out. "You JACKASS! This isn't about you!"

Allegra suddenly grabbed Mac from behind. "Get low," she said, crouching down and leading Mac to do the same. "If you hold on, we can use our combined weight to break through the grooves. When we reach the dam, we'll let go and jump."

"Allegra?" Mac said. He looked at the plummet ahead, where the snowy landscape ended at a vast expanse of sky. "You can't get mixed up in this. No use getting both of us killed."

"BS, Fraser," Allegra replied with a mischievous smile. "Unlike you, I've actually made this jump before."

As the two began closing the gap, Sid acknowledged that his attempts to slow them down were, for the most part, a losing battle. He kicked his skis forward and instead focused on making the jump.

Sid reached the edge of Hot Dam, spinning into a Lu Kang Air as he launched into the sky. Allegra and Mac followed soon after, with Allegra pushing off as Mac grabbed the nose of his board while he prayed for a decent landing.

Down below, the Unknown Rider pressed a button on his controller.

And suddenly, Mac felt the ground erupt beneath him as the dam exploded in a cloud of concrete, ice, and frozen water.

As he began his downward trajectory, right behind Sid and into the cloud of debris, Mac could only muster three words: "Oh, hell no."


	8. Episode 8: Snowpocalypse

This is about the end of Hardcore SSX, which I had planned on writing two years ago but which only now I've committed to text

This is about the end of Hardcore SSX, which I had planned on writing two years ago but which only now I've committed to text. Stay tuned, though… there will be an epilogue.

**CHAPTER EIGHT: Snowpocalypse (King of the Mountain, Part 3)**

The Unknown Rider focused his binoculars on the collapsing dam. Late last night, he and his small army of angry SSX competitors had lined the dam's concrete walls with several small packages of nitroglycerin. It was a good deal; a benefactor had shipped him nearly a hundred pounds of explosives on condition that the supplier's identity remain a mystery even to himself.

Of course, that's something that a man clad head to toe in an identity-concealing costume would understand.

And the plan worked incredibly well. Hot Dam broke apart with a deafening rumble that sounded like thunder -- ice, snow, and concrete spewing forth in a misty gray cloud. The pursuers vanished in the debris. More importantly, Mac vanished in the debris. The prima donna was a thief. Mac stole his style, his identity, his life. And now, justice was served. Now he, the Unknown Rider, would be the star of SSX, its public face and its greatest champion.

He was so lost in his fantasy that he was caught off guard when a heavy object clubbed him on the back of the head.

Kaori stood over the unconscious Unknown Rider, breathing heavily with a snowboard in her hands. She staggered forward and fell to her knees. She was still feeling week. She turned her gaze toward the crumbling structure, her eyes welling with tears.

"Mac!" she screamed.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

EDDIE: If you're joining us now on our special Hardcore SSX telecast of the King of the Mountain, what you are seeing on screen, ladies and gentlemen, is no television trickery. This is not CG. This ain't no special effects. This ain't the film crew playing a prank on y'all by focusing on a stop motion plate of mashed potatoes. Big Mountain has literally exploded.

VIGGO: We're hovering over the race stage in our modified Osprey helicopter airplane thingamabomer. It looks like we've got a five-alarm avalanche going on downstairs. Already, the snow has obliterated the stands downhill of the Hot Dam stage. Big Mountain residents are survivors, though. There have been many an avalanche at these parts, and homers know what they're doing. The spectators, on the other hand….

EDDIE: …are sure to get their money back. If, you know, they survive. It looks like everyone's doing the smart thing, though, and headed for the hills.

VIGGO: You know, we love to give the Ski Patrol a hard time, but at times like this, you gotta appreciate there's folks out there who are willing to don the embarrassing yellow Gore-tex. They're highly trained for this sort of disaster, like that one winter when Psymon Stark went on a violent drunken rampage.

EDDIE: What? When did this happen?

VIGGO: Crap, I think it was last year.

EDDIE: And I didn't hear about this because…?

VIGGO: I think you were on your own violent rampage at the time. Fortunately, the only thing destroyed were a bunch of arcade machines after you failed to get the high score in _Joust_.

EDDIE: I did no such … no wait… is that when I punched out David Arquette?

VIGGO: I gotta admit, that was pretty cool.

EDDIE: Heh, serves him right for becoming WCW World Champion. As for the competitors, it looks like Mac Fraser, Allegra Sauvagess, and Sid have all disappeared in the cloud of debris. Do you see anything through the camera lens, JP?

JP: Hah, what do I care what happened to them? They were too stupid to stop at the edge. Let them die, I say!

VIGGO: Dammit, man, you have been a real douchebag since you got out of that mascot costume.

JP:_ (sneering) _What can I say? Finally, my soul feels aflame! But it is nothing you would understand, eh, Swedish Meatball?

GRIFF: _(off screen) _God, will you children back there stop bickering? We got more important things to do. We've got some survivors down there.

_(The camera zoomed in to show twelve spectators who hadn't followed the crowd and instead had climbed up several of the pine trees. The trees were holding for now, but it was only a mater of time before they collaspsed into the river of snow.)_

GRIFF: Daddy's going to bring the Osprey in a bit closer. I'm gonna need you guys to man the rope bridge to get those guys to safety.

VIGGO: Right. _ (turning back to the screen) _We're going to be off the air for a short while folks, while we conduct a little search and rescue! If we're lucky, we'll rejoin you all when this is all over.

EDDIE: This is Hardcore SSX, signing off for now! Keep that footage rolling, JP.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. It must've been the adrenaline rush. It was a feeling similar to when he was pulling off a trick. A little different, though. For one, he was being bombarded by all these random hard pellets which may or may not be ice. No problem… he'd navigated this mountain in blizzard conditions before.

Once in a while, there would be large three or four foot chunks headed his way, which forced him to be a little more creative. He twisted his legs to deflect one piece, then spun to avoid another. He was vaguely aware of Allegra nearby, struggling more than him yet managing to hold on her own. Sid, on the other hand, had been unfortunately knocked out by a piece of a tree trunk, and he was tumbling uncontrolled into the snow below.

But quite different, this time, was a strange tunnel vision. The world was collapsing around him, obscuring his vision, yet, oddly, he could see Kaori through everything. It was like a scene straight out of an anime; everything peripheral was surrounded thin grey speed lines, mostly blurry. The center was crystal clear, though, and there was Kaori, the snowmobile, and the Unknown Rider. He saw Kaori club the Rider.

He heard Kaori 's voice.

Being a former DJ, Mac was used to hearing things in his mind. Usually, when his MComm went out, he would mentally remix songs that would sound excellent at the club later that night. Just earlier, before this race devolved into a ridiculous farce, he was working some beats into a Jurassic 5 song.

Yet, illogical as it may seem, he was sure that, over the thunderous din of the avalanche, this was certainly Kaori's voice he was hearing. Calling out to hum.

He also knew she wasn't safe. Kaori hadn't noticed it, but the Rider had gotten up. He was relentless. His mask, which covered his face, made him seem inhuman, robotic. The Unknown Rider grabbed a nearby branch, which was as thick as a baseball bat, and he began to creep toward his captive.

There was no time to spare.

Mac crouched and grabbed the nose of his board. It slammed and skidded on the ground, bouncing up a bit before touching the ground again. This was the first time he'd ever stuck a landing here at Hot Dam.

Not that it ever crossed Mac's mind at that moment. Reflexively, he knelt forward, arms stretch backward, and felt the wind and the snow push him ahead.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

The branch struck Kaori between the shoulders. She collapsed in the powder.

"You little snot," the Unknown Rider said, his voice more muffled than usual. He swung for Kaori's head, but she had enough wits about her to roll aside.

Kaori struggled to her feet, trying to run away. The blow had knocked most of the wind out of her, though, and she lost footing on a slippery patch of ice. She tumbled down the small snowbank into the cluster of frozen bushes below. Her back struck a rock, and she groaned in pain.

As she struggled to untangle herself from the branches, she could hear the snow crunching and the heavy breathing as the Unknown Rider came closer.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

Allegra dug herself out of the snow. It wasn't her best landing, but like her favorite cartoon duck once said, and landing you can walk away from is a good one. She touched her face, and she felt swelling growing around her left eye. Fabulous. Her sponsors weren't going to like this, but whatever.

Screw the sponsors.

SSX was a school of hard knocks, and if you couldn't wear your shiners with pride, then you didn't belong. She crawled over to a body clad in a ripped black sports coat and a black poke bonnet. With a mighty push, she rolled over the body until Sid was face up. She knew this wasn't what you were supposed to do. She'd seen countless TV procedurals where the voice-over always advised that you don't move the body until the paramedics arrive. The guy might have a broken leg … or worse. Still, if he was laying face-down in the snow, he might suffocate to death.

He was breathing. A good sign. Allegra picked up a pair of mirrored shades -- lodged in the snow a few inches away from Sid -- and brushed it off with her fingers. She placed the glasses over his eyes, and, in her best Rowdy "Roddy" Piper impersonation, yelled, "Try these on. Tell me what you see! Is it … aliens?"

Hearing no response, she sat down in the snow. The explosion had settled. Mac was nowhere to be seen; he'd boarded down the slopes at a ridiculous speed. No doubt, he was, in part, being propelled forward by the shockwave. Allegra was sure there were other reasons, though. She drew a flask from her coat pocket, screwed open the top, pressed it to her lips, and tilted her head backward.

"That was a total nerd reference from 'They Live,'" Allegra said to nobody in particular. "It's about aliens walking around in disguise as humans or some crap. Anyway, I think it was an allegory to consumerism. Maybe something along the lines of Reagonomics. I've got a whole these written up right here," she said, tapping her temple.

She took another swig. Then she closed her eyes and pursed her lips to let out a puff of hot air, a long trail of mist that looked like smoke from a cigarette.

"You're a fool to help him," Sid mumbled.

"Good morning to you, too," Allegra said, her eyes still closed.

Sid coughed. "If you didn't push him forward, I could've been the one there, rescuing Kaori. I would be the hero, and you'd get Mac. Then we'd all win. We would all be winners."

Allegra grabbed Sid's wrist. She pried open his fingers, one by one. Then she pressed the flask against his palm.

"Jack Daniels," she said unsteadily. "Not the best whiskey, but it'll warm you up, jackass."

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

Mac skidded to a stop at the parked snowmobile. Neither Kaori nor the Unknown Rider were nearby. There was a trail of footprints leading downhill, though. Mac unbuckled his bindings, threw down his snowboard, and followed the trail on foot.

There were two sets of footprints that led into a heavily wooded area. The boots were weighing him down, and he took them off. He followed the remainder of the trail in his socks.

Mac panicked when he saw red spots staining the otherwise bleach white snow.

"Kaori!" he cried out.

For a while, all he could hear was the muffled rumble of the now distant avalanche. The forest suddenly felt claustrophobic.

And then, he hard a weak voice reply. "Mac? Over here."

Scarcely a few seconds later, he found her.

She was sitting on a tree stump, catching her breath. Other than a small tear on the side of her jacket, she seemed perfectly fine, as if she's taken a short breather after a brisk jog. In between her hands, she held a smooth twenty pound rock.

At her feet was the Unknown Rider, his faceplate bashed open, blood trickling from hi sead. As soon as she caught sight of Mac, she let the rock slip between her fingers, ran, and wrapped her arms around him. Mac felt her body close to his, trembling and incredibly warm.

"You, ah," Mac said, suddenly unsure, "I heard you call for me."

Kaori smiled. "Out of anyone in the world," she said, "I knew you'd be the one who'd be here for me. You're always here for me."

Mac held her tighter, his hands on her back, and stifled a laugh. "We are so stupid," he finally said.

Kaori giggled. "Yes, we are," she replied.

And for the first time, they kissed.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

The Osprey was filled nearly to capacity, yet Griff figured he could at least take two more passengers. Sid had a broken leg. Tyson Logan -- who'd been nearby during the avalanche and had wisely taken shelter in a nearby cave -- put his leg in some makeshift splits.

Allegra wasn't in such a bad shape, though she did look terribly roughed up. She brushed of Viggo's suggestion that she get some painkillers, at least.

"Nothing a stiff drink can't fix," she said, stumbling into the Osprey.

Viggo figured there was something more to it than that. He also knew that no wasn't the time to ask questions if he wanted to keep his lower lip unsplit. He figured it would be much wiser to ask her about it later, preferably over sandwiches.

Despite the ordeal, the ten spectators aboard the Osprey were in remarkably good spirits. One even asked Allegra for her autograph. She cheerfully obliged.

"We got a call from Zoe," Griff said. "Ski Patrol's got all the assailants up the mountain rounded up and in custody. And it looks like Psymon's back to his old, psychotic self again. It looks like it all it takes to become mentally imbalanced nowadays is a two-by-four to the head."

"Heh," Eddie said. "Who knew?"

"So what now?" Viggo said. "We need to get these folks down to Metro City. But what about Kaori and that masked weirdo?"

"Nothing to worry about," Allegra said, sticking her head out the Opsrey's side door. "Unless I miss my guess, that's them just coming over the ridge, looking all cozy."

Mac drove the snowmobile, and Kaori was sitting behind him, hugging him tightly. Behind her, the Unknown Rider was tied up in cargo bungees and slumped over the seat, stomach down. The snowmobile skidded to a halt in front of the tiltrotor.

Allegra regarded the scene with a wry smile. She ran up as Kaori was getting off the snowmobile and put her arm around Kaori's shoulder. "Looks like the swashbucklin' hero arrived just in time," she quipped.

"He always does," Kaori said, smiling back.

"So," Eddie said, approaching the snowmobile, "who's our masked nutjob?"

"Family, unfortunately," Mac said, taking off the mask.

Staring back at them was the bloodied face of Marty Stieber.

_.o°ö'O".O'ö°o._

EDDIE: Marty Stieber was arrested earlier today for destruction of public property and possession of illegal explosives. Stieber was thrown off the tour after engaging in something we like to call drunken disorderly conduct. The police have also connected Stieber with a small riot that happened earlier in the race. While the rioters never saw Stieber's face, they did identify him by voice. Some people don't have the good sense to use a vocoder, huh?

VIGGO: You know, partner, something really bugs me about this. Marty won a few races in his lifetime, but he never made much prize money. He was never able to score any endorsement deals. And whatever money he had, he famously blew it all either on alcohol or on really bad bets. Where the hell did he get money to buy enough black market explosives to blow up a concrete dam?

EDDIE: I dunno. Ebay? Whatever the case, Marty is a seriously screwed up individual. He was bad enough when he was a pissy little whiner. Here's a pro-tip for you kids out there: if you're thinking about kidnapping and domestic terrorism, don't do it. Bad. Wrong.

VIGGO: In related news, the avalanche itself stopped short of wiping out Metro City. Several even venues are buried under a meter or two of snow. SSX organizers, in their sheer boundless optimism, actually see this as a good thing.

EDDIE: Yeah, I hear there are plans in the works to transform the new mounds of snow into challenges for next year's events. Capitalism at work!

VIGGO: As for the race itself…

EDDIE: Whoa, are you telling me they didn't suspend the race?

VIGGO: Since when have the suspended SSX over an avalanche?

EDDIE: Oh. Touche.

VIGGO: Anyway, the majority of the racers were either taken out or helping in the rescue efforts. In fact, only two racers actually finished. It looks like they were too far ahead of the field that they had no idea what was going on up the mountain. Second place went to long time SSX veteran and local favorite Elise Riggs. As for first place, and you're going to like this Eddie….

EDDIE: Huh?

VIGGO: Newcomer Skye Simms from Australia, with a full thirty second lead ahead of Riggs. JP, roll the footage from the winner's circle.

(Scene switches to Skye Simms hoisting a trophy. Microphones are thrust into her face.)

SKYE: I'm honestly quite aghast at the terrible things that happened today. I'm glad to hear Nishidake is safe and sound. I'm rather partial to that girl. Compared to seeing her safe, this win is nothing. Still, it feels bloody good to win my first ever race. Eddie Wachowski, love, if you're watching this, I couldn't've done this without you.

(Skye blows a kiss at the camera.)

(The scene goes back to EDDIE and VIGGO at the studio.)

VIGGO: My, my, Eddie… I have to admit, this is the first time I've seen your face get as red as your hair.

EDDIE: Hey, ah, that's…. Um, I guess good job, Skye! That's … wow.

VIGGO: I gotta say… this was one helluva show to go out on.

EDDIE: Hey, I'll drink to that.

VIGGO: Mad props to the viewers out there who've stuck with Hardcore SSX after all this time.

EDDIE: It made me some mad money toward my pizza budget.

VIGGO: It was a pleasure working with you, buddy.

EDDIE: You ain't half bad yourself, Viggo. But all good things must come to an end.

VIGGO: Chaucer?

EDDIE: What? No! Star Trek.

VIGGO: Nerd.


	9. Chapter Epilogue

The ending

The ending. For reals this time. Thanks for reading Hardcore SSX. I may try my hand at another SSX story: I've actually got a more serious story for SSX Blur competitor Maya Nolet somewhere in the recesses of my mind. Until then, check out this epilogue, which is far longer than I'd originally planned.

**EPILOGUE**

"What's a flaming sushi roll?" Mac asked while pointing to the mystery product on the menu.

"Ah, it's my own invention," Brodi said. "Fatty tuna and cucumber, rolled in rice in seaweed, doused in sake, and then set aflame for five seconds. The tuna is lightly seared for flavor. For added effect, I light two oak leaves, still on the branch, their wafting aroma meant to mentally stimulate memories of autumn."

"It sounds romantic," Kaori said.

"Um, I guess," Mac said. He stroked his chin. "The price though..."

"Buddha blesses the generous," Brodi said, filling their cups with green tea, "but for you, it'll be on the house."

As Brodi retreated to the sushi bar, Mac held Kaori's hand. "So," Mac said softly, "our first date."

Kaori shook her head. "We have been partners on this tour for so long," she said, "that it does not feel like it. You have always been so kind to me, Mac. I was just not ever able to communicate my gratitude before."

"So," Mac said, his face blushing just a little, "you don't regret turning your back on the guy who taught you English?"

"Silly," Kaori said. "I have respect for Sid, yes. But you do not fall in love with you teacher. Teachers give. It is one way. I always wanted to be with someone two way, someone who shared. It was you, Mac. It was always you."

One table over, Zoe and Moby couldn't help but overhear the conversation. Zoe turned to Moby, a smile spreading across her face.

"I give them three kids, tops," she whispered slyly. "Good money that one of them looks like Appollo Ohno."

Moby sipped his sake. "Oy, remember when we were like that?" he said, looking at Mac and Kaori through a sidelong glance. "It's been so long now. We were always holding hands, mooning over each other, and taking in belabored metaphors. We barely see each other nowadays. Cripes, did we get too familiar with each other?"

Zoe narrowed her eyes sultrily. She leaned over the table. "Moby," she said in a soft, coy voice.

"Yes, luv?"

Suddenly, Zoe caught Moby in an inescapable headlock, and she rubbed her knuckles along his close shaven head. "Why in the hell did you get rid of dreadlocks?" she said mischievously. "You look like Mos friggin' Def!"

Moby screamed, trying to get Zoe to stop the noggie and utterly failing.

Mac looked over and shook his head. "Those two," he muttered with a slightly amused tone.

Kaori, on the other had, had different thoughts. Who knew how long this new relationship with Mac would last. If they got far, though, she knew she wanted to be just like Zoe and Moby: laughing together, loving each other, and the best of friends.

--

Allegra tossed aside an empty bottle of sake. "I don't know how Brodi can stock this stuff with a good conscience," she said. "It tastes terrible, like I'm guzzling down cooking wine. And I am so not getting a buzz."

She was sitting in a hot tub, located on an outdoor patio that overlooked downtown Metro City and Big Mountain behind it. She soaked in the water while wearing a flowery green and yellow bikini. Her red hair was unbraided, and it hung down the back of her head and down into the warm water. Sitting next to her was Viggo, who was relaxing in retro orange and brown boarder shorts.

"You realize this is crazy, right?" he said. "The minute we step out of this tub, we're exposing ourselves to temperatures southward of negative 15 Celsius."

Allegra leaned back and closed her eyes. "Less crowded that way," she said.

"How's the eye?"

"Not too bad. A little sore. I briefly thought about putting a T-bone steak on it, but I thought this tub might start smelling like beef stew."

"Oh. Good call. Next time you think about doing something like that, call me first. I'll bring the carrots and the boullion cubes."

Allegra snorted. She opened her eyes. Snow was falling. It was a gentle snowfall. If you looked straight up into the grey sky, it seemed otherworldly, as if you were headed into hyperspace or if you were stuck inside an old Microsoft screensaver. One landed on her eyelash. She regarded the odd six-sided panel for a few seconds before she blinked it away.

"You know, I thought I really had a chance," she finally said. "We had so much in common. I guess you can never really win against the terrible, irreversible machinations of fate."

"You've always had terrible taste in men," Viggo said.

Allegra pursed her lips mockingly. "Even you?"

Viggo put his cup of sake down at the edge of the tub. "You know I'm spoken for," he said.

"You and her still together, huh?" Allegra said with a trace of melancholy. "Damn. Sounds serious."

A chorus of shrieks broke up the silence. Townspeople dropped their shopping bags, dodging the street and pressing themselves flat against the storefronts. Barrelling down Big Mountain, like an unstoppable force of nature, was Psymon Stark. His hair, no longer pink but his natural brown, was flattened backwards, still in the shape of a mohawk, yet slick backwards as if a small trail of smoke were following his head. His mouth curled in a Jokeresque grin, while his wide, hyena eyes betrayed any shred of sanity.

He knocked down one unfortunate pedestrian, which did nothing to slow him down. "Whoops!" he called back. As he passed the hot tub, he threw his head back and let out an unearthly cackle. "French toast and SYRRRUUPPP!!" he screamed.

"Think I have a chance with that guy?" Allegra said lazily.

"What?" Viggo stammered. "You're joking, right?" Allegra shook her head. "Are you nuts? He's not pretend insane, Allegra. He's certifiably insane. As in, he's spent time at a santorium. And he, like, nine years older than you!"

Allegra smiled. "I take that as a yes," she said.

--

Eddie's jaw dropped. "You'd do that for us?"

He was driving a rented four-by-four, with Skye in the passenger seat. They were headed toward the regional office Skye's main sponsor, Montraptor Outdoor Clothing, where Skye was scheduled ot have a meeting with the company CEO in less than half an hour.

"Sure," Skye said. "i've got quite a bit of clout now that I'm this year's SSX champion. Hell, I've already been signed up for the next competition. They're calling it 'Blur,' I think.

"And you gotta consider that I'm the literal public face of Montraptor. And it's a very big company. The Outdoor Clothing division is but a small division in the whole company. There's a watercraft division, an ATV division... I think there one that rebrands MRE's for campers. Montraptor even has its own satellite TV station. It's not much and does a pretty small market, but I think you're show fits right in. The channel does a lot of small time sports events. If we land SSX on the channel, I think it could do huge ratings and put Montraptor TV on the map. In any case, it wouldn't hurt to ask."

Eddie stopped the SUV at the building's entrance. It was a generic office building with a Bavarian style facade.

"God, you're doll!" Eddie said ecstatically. He let out three whoops. "Skye, you're ... you're the greatest."

"Tell me something I don't know, love," Skye said, pecking Eddie on the cheek. Eddie's face turned beet red. Skye dug into her coat pocket and fished out a twenty dollar bill. "There's a Tim Horton's around the corner. Pick up a couple of lattes. I'll give you a call when I'm finished."

--

"This is a highly unusual request," the Montraptor CEO said as he leaned back in his chair. He was a somewhat portly, balding man. He spoke with a similar Australian accent. "I have no doubt that SSX coverage would boost our network ratings, but I'm not so sure about this 'Hardcore SSX' show. It barely drew enough ratings on the Bravo Network to justify investment. Are you sure there's nothing personal involved? The tabloids have been rather abuzz with your relationship with its host."

"Partially," Skye said in a cold, professional tone which seemed incongruent with her young age. She was sitting across the conference table from the CEO, her feet propped on the table. "Eddie is a very sweet guy, that I cannot deny. But I have high hopes for this show. I've got no data, but I think it's reaching the right demographic."

"One of your hunches?"

"Am I ever wrong?"

"I don't know. That last stunt of yours cost us quite a bit of cash. Black market nitroglycerin don't exactly come cheap, you know."

"And look at the riches it got you! Carl," she said, refering the the CEO by his first name, "did you see the Montraptor profits after I won? Revenues were up nearly five-hundred percent over last year in just one day. You don't get that kind of revenue with your run of the mill SSX race.

"You get that when every news network in the world is converging on the mountain because I delivered what everyone wants to see: scandal. No one paid attention to the Winter Olympics until you threw those junkie snowboarders in it. No one gave a flying fig about the Tour de France until everyone screamed blue about steroids. Who wins? Whoever can weather the storm, me bucko.

"All the money Montraptor put up for the explosives and the cover up... you already made it back and much, much more.

"And the best part? Everyone's got their sights set on that Stieber nutcase. No one really liked him, so everyone quick to put all the blame on him. All I had to do was surrepitously drop a mysterious shipment of explosives at his doorstep and 'accidentally' lead him to the blueprints of Hot Dam online. None of it's traceable.

"No one will expect that the cute, eco-friendly, dolphin-loving SSX champion from Australia had anything to do with it. Nobody dies, a bunch of misanthropes are put in the slammer, I've got the SSX trophy, and money rolls into Montraptor."

"Hmmm," said the CEO. "So are you telling me that Eddie Wachowski is being set up as your next patsy?"

"Perish the thought," said Skye in mock horror. "I merely suggested that my high gamble concepts lead to serious payoffs. Beyond that, I promise you nothing."

"I'll put it into consideration," the CEO replied. He dug into his briefcase and slapped some files on the conference table. "For now, let's talk about your training for next year. Our scouts have found a partner for you. Name is Felix Levesque. He's from Quebec, son of a couple of Quebecois nationalists. He's a bit of a showboater, acts a tad like a young Moby Jones, but his style is highly complimentary to yours. We might not have to resort to explosives this time around."

"Oh," said Skye, folding her fingers, "don't bank on it. A good con knows you never repeat the same trick twice."

END


End file.
